


I, For One, Welcome Our New Supreme Meme Overlord

by TwentyPoundsOfPlotConvenience



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Gen, Meme, memelord, supreme meme overlord
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-03-23 05:10:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 30,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3755623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwentyPoundsOfPlotConvenience/pseuds/TwentyPoundsOfPlotConvenience
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shulk spends a little too much time on Urban Dictionary, and he gets the idea that maybe he could take over all the memes in the world and become Supreme Meme Overlord. But first, he has to defeat all the minor memelords, and they're not too keen on giving up the meme life! Will Shulk be able to follow his dreams?! I, for one, welcome our new Supreme Meme Overlord...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Stupidity Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, that is one mouthful of a title.  
> I don't think I know enough memes to pull this off well, but I tried anyway. I don't know the characters that well, either, so OOC most likely abounds, frolicking through the flowery fields that are this very story. You have been warned.  
> Very strongly inspired by the MemeMemeMeme Brigade.

Shulk was in desperate need of Internet phenomena. The one time he tried to go to the computer lab, he ended up getting a concussion, courtesy of Pit and Robin. And all because of that, he could not get his daily dose of meme until Dr. Mario did his weird pill-matching thing and fixed Shulk good as new.

Now, he was much back in such black, and back in very action, and also in the training room. If the site allowed, the font definitely would turn into Comic Sans right about now.

"I'm really feeling it!" he shouted to his friends, Ness and Captain Falcon.

"Okay," Ness said.

"Show me your moves! Come on!" Captain Falcon shouted.

"Okay."

With the obligatory taunts out of the way, the three meme buddies began to talk like mostly normal people.

"So, uh, you guys want to go to the computer room today?"

"YES!"

"Okay."

Since the computer room was on the other side of the mansion, they got into Captain Falcon's pimped-out ride, the Blue Falcon, and started to sing.

"We're going on a trip in our favorite meme-ing ship, soaring through the sky! Little Einsteins!" they sang. Then they all looked at the camera. "We need you! Little Einsteins, yeah!"

3... 2... 1... BLAST OFF!

The Blue Falcon zoomed away, and they switched to belting out "WHAT IS LOVE?! BABY DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT ME! NO MORE!" The car blasted through mansion wall after mansion wall with so much awesomeness that it caused an explosion. Three pairs of sunglasses fell down from the sky, went through the car ceiling somehow, and landed perfectly on their faces. "COOL GUYS DON'T LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS!"

Peach and Mr. Game and Watch, who were just trying to have a calm tea party, were blown away into the sky by the awesomeness-induced explosion. Currently, they are still blasting off again and we sincerely hope for their return in future chapters.

Sonic also was in the vicinity of the explosion, but he survived by shouting "You're too slow!", which transformed him into his meme form, Sanic. He gotta-go-fast-ed away. Captain Falcon waved at the fellow memer as he sped off.

The car burst into the computer lab, knocking over Sheik and Yoshi, but since this time it wasn't as awesome, they didn't start flying up, up, and away. Sheik looked at the three memers climbing out of the Blue Falcon, then at the trail of holes in the walls.

"You guys are _so_ going to get banned for that," she said.

"Eh. It's not like we're gonna get banned forever," Ness said. "Master Hand doesn't want to lose any money."

"Come on! Let's use these computers already!" Captain Falcon shouted. He ran over to one of the computers and flipped into the seat.

Shulk shrugged at Sheik. "Now it's Shulk time." He walked over next to Captain Falcon.

"Okay."

Sheik facepalmed. "I never will understand what you three are saying."

"That's because all you ever do is shout weird things! 'HUP!' 'UWEH!' 'AAAHHHHH!'" Ness replied.

"Hey! I do not!"

"'AAAHHHHH!'"

"Stop that!"

"'AAAAAAHHHHH!"

"I am an intelligent Sheikah, not an immature child like you!"

"AAAAAAHHHAHAHA!" Ness changed his face to the trollface as the trololol song played in the background. He walked over to Captain Falcon and Shulk, leaving Sheik to storm off through the hole in the wall.

The memers browsed the internet in near silence for a bit. Shulk found his way onto Urban Dictionary and started clicking on related words. Look, I don't know what memers do in their free time, okay? Do people just, like, look up their names on Urban Dictionary or something? Dear Shulk, please don't look up your name on Urban Dictionary. You don't need to know what it says...

...And he didn't, actually. The plot had other ideas. He discovered a very important word on Urban Dictionary, a word that would set the entire plot of this story in motion (the fourth wall could be heard making cracking noises in the background). "Memelord- an individual who shows a strong passion for memes; a joker," he said.

Ness glanced at Shulk. "Okay," he said, and then he went back to watching his 10 HOURS NYAN CAT! video and learning the ways of nyan and cat.

"So does a memelord, like, rule over a certain meme or something?" Shulk asked no one in particular.

"YES!" Captain Falcon shouted. "Did you seriously not know that before?"

"I'm kinda new here, so... Nope."

"Oh." Falcon leaned back in his chair. "Well, I guess it would help if you knew. Each memelord has a title and meme that they guard with their meme life. So, like, Ness is the memelord of 'Okay'. And you're the memelord of 'really feeling it'."

Shulk nodded.

"And, uh, the minor memelords aren't really that strong or important, but major memelords are super strong and well-known." Falcon pointed a thumb toward himself. "Like me!"

Shulk nodded.

"And if you defeat a memelord and take their meme, then you get stronger. Also, you destroy their meme life and they're destined to be normal forever. Just like an RPG."

Shulk nodded. "I get it. Thanks for the infodump."

"No prob." And Captain Falcon went back to browsing the Internet.

Shulk took all the information in and thought to himself. _So if a memelord lords over memes... Hey, then what if I became the Supreme Memelord? Overlord of all memes in existence? Holy crap, think of the things I could do with that kind of power..._

He imagined a world where he could make everyone eat Doritos and drink Mountain Dew while 360 no scoping and 420 blazing it and stuff like that at will, where people's faces changed to tfw no gf and trololo and y u no whenever they wanted, and, most of all, where everyone was _really feeling it._

And the first thing he would do when he became the Supreme Meme Overlord would be to make everyone _really feel it._ And then he would make stupid people stop asking what color the stupid dress was. And then he could make everyone _really_ _feel it some more._

He rubbed his hands together and began to formulate a plan to conquer all the memelords and take their memes, one by one. First he would go for the weakest one, Ridley who was too big-

"CAPTAIN FALCON! NESS! SHULK! DO _NOT_ DESTROY MANSION PROPERTY! YOU'RE BANNED!" Master Hand came in through the hole in the wall and blasted the memers out of the mansion with his middle-finger missile move.

Shulk would become Supreme Meme Overlord... right after he got back from being banned.


	2. Too Big

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shulk takes on his first memelord, Ridley.

Ridley was just enjoying a peaceful, relaxing day in the park.

And by "peaceful and relaxing," I mean "totally not peaceful and relaxing at all." The enormous dragon was happily 420 blazing his way through the park, paving a path of death and destruction with his special 420 fire breath.

This was actually perfectly ordinary. Ever since Sakurai-senpai had turned him down, saying he was too big, Ridley had tried to get Sakurai's attention again by killing things with fire. Memelords didn't really like Ridley or that he thought "420 blazing it" meant "killing it with fire," but they never confronted him about it because they were too scared of being incinerated. And so Ridley kept burning the park down for about a month. It had gotten to the point where there was almost nothing left to wreck.

But, for some strange reason, the people still kept coming to the park. It was pretty stupid of them, but Ridley needed _something_ to destroy.

The people of Smashville screamed in terror as they scrambled for cover, but no one was safe from Ridley. He carved a scorching trail in the ground with his 420 fire breath, incinerating some random citizens-

"BACK SLASH!"

Ridley was knocked to the ground! He turned around to see who had committed this vile act.

Shulk stood in the scorching trail made from Ridley's fire, glaring up at the space dragon. "It's time to d-d-d-d-duel!" he shouted, and pointed the Monado straight at Ridley's face.

"SKREE!"

Out of nowhere, the announcer appeared. "Ready... GO!" he yelled. A mashup of the main Metroid theme and Gangnam Style began to play.

Ridley realized that Shulk had just started a Smash match, and he was way, way bigger than Shulk. This was going to be easy. He closed the distance between them with a mere two strides and-

"NO! Don't do it!" a voice shouted.

Ridley, Shulk, and the announcer turned to see Master Hand floating behind them. Turns out that he had followed the announcer into the park without being noticed... somehow. "Ridley's too big, so Shulk wins by default."

The announcer looked rather disappointed. He had wanted to see Shulk defeat Ridley in a fight, since everyone wanted Ridley to stop 420 blazing the park. Anyone with a meme life knew that that was not the proper way to 420 blaze it. But nooo, no one could actually stop Ridley because apparently he was too big.

"GAME!" he said with a hint of annoyance. "And the winner is..."

"I'M REALLY FEELING IT!" Shulk did a pose with the Monado.

"Shulk!"

The match was over, and Shulk had won. While Ridley was frozen from shock at losing, Shulk reached into his chest and pulled out a pulsing orb of light.

A random disembodied voice within Shulk's head said, _You got Ridley's memes! Now you have the ability to be too big! Not that that's very useful..._

Shulk frowned.

_But you also got the ability to kill things with fire!_

"Noice!"

_But since you're not big enough for the fire breath to work, it's not very useful, either..._

"...Oh. Well, that's useless." Shulk tossed the orb over his shoulder and it rolled down a hill, away and out of sight.

With his meme taken from him, Ridley shrank in size until he was only slightly taller than Shulk. He noticed that he had gotten smaller and looked to the sky with hopeful eyes.

"I-I'm not too big anymore, Sakurai-sama. Can I be in Smash now?"

A heavenly face materialized in the sky, and it was the face of none other than Masahiro Sakurai himself, emitting a celestial light. "No," Sakurai casually whispered.

"But Sakurai-senpai, why?"

"I just don't think it would work out. You're still too big for me."

"S-sakurai-senpai..."

"You may be smaller, but the answer is still no." Sakurai's face disappeared.

The ethereal voice echoed over and over again in Ridley's ears. "No... no... no..." Each repeated denial was like a dagger to his fragile soul. His legs felt ready to give out.

Clouds floated in and completely covered the sky. Ridley and the carnage of his rampage were cast in a dull grey light.

"No," Sakurai had said, as if the matter was just as trivial as going to the bathroom and taking a huge dump.

Ridley fell to his knees, devastated. Sakurai really didn't want him in Smash. He went home and cried, but he didn't like if you crey evrytiem because he was no longer in the meme life. Instead, he climbed into his bed, which was now way too big for him, and sobbed into his giant Sakurai hug pillow like the pitiful non-Smasher he was.

* * *

Shulk couldn't stop himself from getting on Urban Dictionary again and looking up that definition.

_"Memelord- an individual who shows a strong passion for memes; a joker."_

"Yeah, you've said that twice already. You can stop now," Ness said from his computer.

"It's just that the sound of it just seems so... appealing."

"Okay, whatever. Just stop reading it out loud." He adjusted his cap. "Why would people even waste their life reading the same thing over and over again..."

"Like you're one to talk. It's been a whole two hours since I left, and here you are, _still_ watching that Nyan Cat video!"

"Hey! Nyan Cat is an important contribution to society as it is today, okay?! Everyone should be well-versed in the ways of nyan and cat!"

"I think we'd all be better off without Nyan Cat! Like, all it is is 'NYANYANYANYANYA!' Do you want to sound like Sheik?"

"'Nya' isn't a stupid noise!"

The video got to the 6 hour, 6 minute, 6 second mark just as Ness finished speaking. The screen cut to a warped, bloody mess for a split second before turning off.

Shulk and Ness both stopped arguing to look at the computer. They looked back at each other with the "tfw no gf" face.

"T-that wasn't just me, right?" said Shulk.

"I saw it too," said Ness, and he adjusted his cap again. "You know what, maybe I should stop watching Nyan Cat..." He reached toward Shulk to hug him for comfort.

"Don't hug me, I'm scared."

"Don't say that, you're just making it worse."

They both remembered the day when Link first discovered that green was not a creative color. They began to shudder violently.

"Let's just... go back to our rooms and forget we ever saw that."

"I am perfectly okay with that."

Ness and Shulk both got up with their regular faces and left the room, leaving Captain Falcon to do his own thing. As they walked down the hallway and up the stairs to their rooms, Shulk started thinking to himself again. Which memelord to fight next?

Maybe next he should take down the boxer. He could actually face the side-B spammer in a fight, and he seemed fairly easy to beat. If he could lure him off the side of the stage...

He opened the door to his room, and afternoon sunlight filtered in through the window.

...Yeah, that seemed like a good idea. Tomorrow, he would beat Little Mac and hope that he actually had some good memes. He got into his bed and took a ridiculously long nap, lasting precisely 11.725 hours.

* * *

Meanwhile, Master Hand sent a small squad of four Smashers out to the park. He needed them to fence it in and keep people out so he could fix it easier.

Sonic insisted on fencing it in himself, saying that everyone was "too slow!" Sheik, Bowser, and Pikachu were all too lazy to say no, so they just wandered around and let Sonic do it on his own.

Bowser decided to go back to the mansion after a while. Pikachu went to see if there was any secret passages. He ended up walking into one of the abandoned buildings and found a random Dedenne.

"THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" Pikachu shouted, and then he got into a fight with the electric mouse ripoff.

Sheik wandered around the park, looking for nothing in particular. Maybe she thought she would find a few stray gold coins. There was that one trophy she really wanted to buy...

Behind one of the less burned buildings, she came across a strange, pulsing orb of light. Maybe it was some sort of equipment she could sell? She picked it up and stuffed it in her pocket for later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohoho, looks like Sheik found Ridley's memes. What's going to happen next? Actually, I'm not too sure myself.  
> Next chapter, Shulk faces off against Little Mac, the side-B spammer! I hope you've learned how to jump, Mac...


	3. Mactar Jr. (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shulk challenges Little Mac.

Shulk looked to his left, but all he could see was a grey blur. He looked to his right. The blur followed him. The sky was clouded over with blurred grey, too. Everything was blurred.

He held a single hand out until it started to rain. The raindrops fell into his hands, yet he never actually felt the wet sensation of water on his skin. It was humid, but he didn't feel muggy, and his clothes weren't clinging to his body.

It was almost as if he was in a dream.

"... ... fate!"

Suddenly, he felt a sword force its way into his back.

He could feel the dreamlike sensation fading now. The rain felt wet, and his clothes were drenched. And the sword in his back most certainly hurt a lot. He tried to focus on the feeling of the rain, but pain overrode all his senses. All he could think was _"it hurts it hurts it HURTS."_

Just when he thought he couldn't stand the pain anymore, the stranger drew the sword out of him. He collapsed face-first in a puddle of rain. Blood flowed from his chest, coloring the puddle a deep red.

He used what strength he had to turn himself over, and as his vision faded, he saw a blurry figure standing over him and holding a sword.

"W-why...?" he managed to say.

"I... will not-"

* * *

Shulk's eyes shot open.

He checked his back. There was no wound, but he still felt sore. And he was drenched in cold sweat, too.

He checked the clock. 4:20 am.

All of a sudden, he realized that going to sleep way too early yesterday was a bad idea. But what really bothered him was...

 _A vision... in my sleep?_ he thought.

To put bothering in his bothering so he could be bothered while being bothered, the Wii Fit Trainer (but he preferred Wyatt) was fully awake and ready to jog around town.

"Oh, you're awake already? Want to go running with me?" Wyatt said.

"Wha...?"

"Awesome sauce! Let's get going now!" Wyatt dragged Shulk out of bed and down the stairs. "It won't stay cool for long, you know!"

Shulk was about to go with it, then he realized that he was running down stairs. "...Wait a sec!" he said. "What are you doing? Where are we going? What is the meaning of life?!"

"We're going running in the park! You agreed to it yourself."

"I'm still in my pajamas! I'm barely even awake!"

"Well, you're at least somewhat awake now, and that's what counts."

"I need to change!"

"Nawww. Pajamas are easy to move around in."

"I need to pee!"

"Oh, we're not gonna be out there that long."

Wyatt and Shulk spent an hour jogging in the park, which _apparently_ was supposed to be "not that long." Shulk was gasping for air by the end of the run.

Also, when he got back to the bedroom, he lost control of his bladder... right in front of the bathroom door.

...If Wyatt ever got his hands on a meme, Shulk was definitely going to take it from him.

A plan began to formulate in his head, and he started to laugh evilly. "Muahahahaha! _AHAHAHA-_ "

"Uh, any reason you're laughing evilly like that?"

"Just seeing if I could pull it off."

"Oh. Cool beans."

"Yeah. Totally not planning anything suspicious or anything like that."

Shulk gave an awkward laugh. Wyatt didn't seem to suspect anything. Good.

Shulk threw a soapy towel over his mess and started to scrub. Whatever, he would get his chance another day. Today, he was supposed to challenge Little Mac, and he wasn't going to deviate from that. Once he finished cleaning up, he decided to go downstairs to eat breakfast and then do just what he had planned.

* * *

Little Mac was sitting with his friends, the Bara Bros, which consisted of Ike, Link, Captain Falcon, Ganondorf, and Marth. They were called the "Bara Bros" because they liked to do stereotypically manly things.

"Excuse you, I am fabulous!"

...Well, except for Marth. Marth was really just there to balance out the rugged manliness with his, and I quote, "touch of handsome bishonen class."

"Bruh, you just sparkle. You're not fabulous," Ike said. He slouched back in his chair with his legs spread, creating the ultimate manly air.

"You have it all wrong, my friend. Vampires are the ones who 'just sparkle.' Bishonens have a certain... _finesse_ that sparkly vampires lack." Marth flipped his hair, creating a cloud of sparkles.

"But vampires can suck blood and go fast," countered Little Mac.

Sonic shouted "YE!" in the background.

"Yes, and they can be driven away with garlic and killed with stakes. Wario could easily defeat a vampire with his stench alone." Marth plucked a stray sparkly hair out of his cape and dropped it on Captain Falcon's head. "I, on the other hand, am merely sickened by Wario's... unpleasant aroma."

"WAAAHHH! WARIO!"

"Ah... ah- FALCON ACHOO!"

Everything went slow-mo as an absolutely horrific event happened: Falcon sneezed from Marth's stray hair, making Link go "Gyaaahhhh!" and fall _SPLAT!_ onto Ganondorf's ice cream. The bowl slipped off the table and clattered to the floor and suddenly ice cream was everywhere and then the flow of time returned to normal, as if nothing terrible had just happened.

Pit's floor-ice-cream senses started tingling. He walked over to the Bara Bros. table, saw Ganon's strawberry ice cream, and got on the floor and ate it all up.

Ganon sniffled and tried to hold back his tears.

Shulk happened to be walking past the Bara Bros. when he saw Ganon. He stopped in front of the table and frowned at Marth. "Look what you've done, Marth. You monster."

"I- I didn't even do anything! It was Link!"

"You made Ganny cry, Marth. Look at him."

Marth glanced at Ganon. Tears were falling from his eyes and he kept wiping his snot from his nose. Marth immediately felt like a horrible person and backed away from the table.

Link wiped the ice cream off his face and then awkwardly patted Ganon on the back. "I'm sorry, bruh. I'll get you some more ice cream, okay?"

Ganon nodded. "Uh... uh-huh," he whimpered. And the two of them went back to the line to get some more ice cream.

With that problem solved, Shulk decided now was a better time than never to do what he had planned. He turned to face Little Mac.

"Hey, Mac and Cheese," he said.

"Yeah?" Little Mac said.

"You really feeling a Smash?"

The Smashers began to murmur amongst themselves. Hearing someone challenge someone else to a Smash was very, _very_ uncommon, and as everyone in the mansion knew, Smashing was SERIOUS BUSINESS.

"Do you think Shulk's got a problem with Little Mac?" Zelda whispered to her roommate, Samus.

"I don't even give a crap."

"But Smashing is SERIOUS BUSINESS, Samus! Especially challenges. Something's definitely up."

"Whatever."

"Stuff like this doesn't happen every day, you know."

"I don't care. 'S none of my business."

Zelda paused for a bit to look frustrated before leaning closer to Samus. "Maybe they're fighting over someone," she whispered in an even lower voice.

"So?"

Zelda puffed out her cheeks. "Why is this so unimportant to you?!"

"I told you already- I just don't give a crap."

"Augh, I guess I'll just be blunt with you." Zelda leaned so close to Samus they were practically touching. As softly as she could, she whispered, "Samus, they might be fighting over _you."_

Actually, Shulk wasn't challenging Little Mac because of Samus (though, he would admit, Samus was one of those ladies he would love to draw like one of his French girls). He just wanted Little Mac's memes. But Samus seemed to be taken back by Zelda's assumption anyway.

"...Oh. Well, uh, cool," she stammered.

Again Zelda said, "Smashing is SERIOUS BUSINESS."

"Well, Mac and Cheese? Challenge accepted or no?" Shulk yelled at Little Mac.

Mac shrugged. "Why not."

"Alright, let's do it. For Glory in the boxing ring, 4:20 PM today." Shulk said, turning around. As he walked out of the cafeteria, no one said a word. He could feel their piercing stares follow his every step. He pushed the doors open and glanced back.

"Don't be late, Mac and Cheese."

And the doors slammed shut.


	4. Mactar Jr. (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shulk actually fights Little Mac.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried my best to write an action scene.

The lights were nearly blinding. The incessant cheering was ridiculously loud. Shulk gritted his teeth together and tried to focus, but to no avail. The noise kept scattering his thoughts.

On the other hand (and the other side of the ring), Little Mac was unfazed by his surroundings. He waved at the crowd and punched his fists together. The crowd cheered even louder, which made Shulk's concentration even worse.

 _Stupid Mac and Cheese and his advantages,_ he thought.

"Today we're here to see a Smash!" the announcer shouted into his mic. "But this isn't just any normal Smash. This is a challenge, from one fighter to another!"

The crowd ooh-ed and aah-ed.

"First, our challenger, from the game _Xenoblade Chronicles!_ The guy that no one probably heard of until he was announced as a fighter in Super Smash Bros.! Pretty much all everyone knows about him is that he's really feeling it! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... SHULK!"

Shulk brandished his Monado and the crowd went wild.

"And the one accepting the challenge, from the _Punch-Out!_ series! You all remember him as that one assist trophy back in Brawl. He's the boxer from the Bronx! He may be small, but tell that to his face and he'll _punch_ you _out!"_ The announcer chuckled. "Haha, I'm funny, aren't I?"

The crowd made their hate for puns known by throwing tomatoes at the announcer. He chuckled again, more weakly this time.

"Haha, okay, fine. Anyway, the winner of multiple championships! Spammer of the side-B! Ladies and gentlemen... LITTLE MAC!"

Little Mac threw a few practice jabs and the crowd screamed some more.

"It's the Visionary versus the Boxer from the Bronx! READY... GO!"

Shulk and Little Mac charged toward each other, and sword clashed with ridiculously sturdy boxing gloves. Mac used his side-B as much as humanly possible. Shulk kept getting distracted by all the noise and forgot to defend himself, letting Mac beat him up a lot.

"I dunno why you're tryin' to fight me, bruh," Little Mac said, "but you're doin' a pretty bad job at it!" And then he used the side-B again. Shulk's damage went up to 84%.

"Shut up!" Shulk yelled back.

He heard someone in the crowd shout, "LOLI BIG BOOBS!"

 _What?!_ he thought.

...And then he got side-B'd again. 91%.

"Bruh!" Side-B'd again. 105%. Shulk was launched off the stage, but he grabbed onto the ledge and recovered.

Mac charged toward him again.

"NO!" Shulk finally remembered he had a shield and used it.

"Bruh, stop that. I can't hit you while you're shielding!"

"Well, duh."

Mac waited for Shulk's shield to shrink to half-size. He did a fully-charged smash attack on the shield and broke it.

Shulk flew into the air, then flopped back down on the ground. When he got back up, he suddenly felt very dizzy.

"Uhhhghhh..." he mumbled. Birds flew in circles around his head while he held it.

Mac threw a weak jab to snap Shulk out of it. He shook his head and looked at the ledge- oh! The ledge!

Shulk dashed over to the ledge and stopped there. Mac chased him down and did his signature side-B.

Shulk dodged it, and Little Mac hurtled over the ledge to his doom.

"BOOM! Little Mac just got KO'd!" proclaimed the announcer. "That's one point for Shulk and one stock left for Mac! Will the boxer from the Bronx be able to turn the tides?!"

"LIT-TLE MAC! GET 'IM BACK! LITTLE MAC! GET 'IM BACK!" the crowd shouted.

Little Mac came back on a platform that floated above the stage. "I'll get you back for that!" he said.

"Oh, yeah?! Let me see you try!" Shulk retorted.

As he dropped down from the platform, Little Mac's skin peeled away to reveal a green wireframe. The crowd ooh-ed and aah-ed.

"Bruh," said this strange wire frame man, and his voice was so powerful it shook the walls of the boxing ring and made random people in the audience start yodeling.

"Whoa, whoa, what's this?" the announcer shouted. "It seems like Little Mac's revealed his true form! This is..."

"Mactar Jr.," Shulk breathed in awe.

"Bruh," said Mactar Jr. again, which meant "THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!" He charged at Shulk, who dodged.

But that was all part of Mactar's plan! He used a smash attack on Shulk right after he finished the dodge. Shulk flew off the stage and was KO'd.

"Oh man!" exclaimed the announcer. "It's one to one for Shulk and Mactar! One of them has to take the other's last remaining stock, but who? WHO WILL WIN?!"

 _I'm going to win, but- focus!_ thought Shulk, dropping off the floating platform. He ran over to the ledge again and waited.

"Bruh," said Mactar, which meant "You can't fool me this time!" And he just stood there, in the center of the stage, waiting for Shulk to make a move.

Shulk cycled repeatedly through his Monado Arts, but he didn't move from his spot.

Ten seconds passed. Shulk was still cycling through his Arts. The crowd got a little quieter.

Hesistantly, the announcer said, "Uh, the tension! I can feel it cutting like a knife through butter! Ouch?"

A few more seconds went by. The audience quieted down some more. Shulk and Mactar still weren't moving.

"Anyone want some Xenoblade-related puns?"

The announcer was met with absolute silence.

"...No? O-okay. That's okay. It's all good."

Shulk closed his eyes and took a deep breath, in and out. At least his stupid roommate had shown him something useful.

_Focus, Shulk. Forget about the crowd. Forget about the announcer. It's just you and Mac and Cheese. Focus...  
_

When he opened his eyes, his surroundings had been blacked out. The crowd was just background noise to him now. There was just him, Mactar, and the stage. Shulk had finally gotten the concentration he needed!

He stopped on the Art he wanted- "SMASH!"- and then he dashed at Mactar, grabbed him, and threw him backwards. Mactar rolled back toward the ledge to get on his feet again.

"BACK SLASH!"

Shulk hit Mactar in the back, making him fly off the ledge. But Mactar managed to jump back onto the stage! He pushed Shulk back to the center of the ring with a barrage of jabs. Once he had gotten Shulk right where he wanted, Mactar spammed his side-B again. Shulk shielded against each punch.

Mactar charged another smash attack, but Shulk saw it coming. He countered Mactar's smash, making him fly off the stage again.

"And stay off!" said Shulk.

Mactar grabbed the ledge and climbed back onto the stage again.

"Bruh," he said, which meant "You can't tell me what to do."

"Screw you."

Shulk's Smash Art fizzled out. He switched to the Shield Art.

Mactar punched Shulk while he was open. _Ding-ding!_ Mactar's KO punch was ready to go. He tried to go in for the kill.

Shulk jumped around and dodged like a maniac in the hopes that he wouldn't get hit.

"Bruh," said Mactar, which meant "Bruh, stop doing that! I can't hit you when you're doing that!"

Shulk just kept dodging. Mactar ran at him one more time and- "BRUH!"

 _WHOOSH!_ Mactar threw out his KO punch.

Everything went slow-mo for a split second and everyone held their breath. Had Mactar landed a critical hit?

...No, he missed Shulk's face by literally a hair's width!

The crowd decided to start making a racket again. "SHULK, SHULK, SHULK!" they cheered. Shulk didn't pay them any attention.

He re-activated his Smash Art and then grabbed Mactar, pummeled him, and threw him backwards again.

Mactar was launched too far away for him to recover this time. He tried to jump back, but fell just short of the ledge. For extra disrespect, Shulk jumped off the ledge and used his down aerial on Mactar. It sent the wire frame boxer plummeting down into oblivion.

"GAME!" shouted the announcer. "And the winner is... SHULK!"

Shulk used Air Slash combined with his Jump Art to get back on stage. "I'm really feeling it!" he taunted as he pulled himself up. The crowd went wild, but he still didn't hear them.

A pulsing orb of light floated down in front of Shulk. He picked it up.

 _You got Little Mac's memes!_ said the same mysterious voice as last time. _Now you, too, can spam side-B like it's going to get nerfed!_

"That's useless."

_You also can use the Bara Bros language, which consists entirely of "bruh!" Convey immense amounts of emotion and meaning through this single slang word!_

"Uh, okay, I guess. Cool?"

_But wait, there's more! The bonds you have with your friends have strengthened! Friendship went up by 5._

"Noice!"

Shulk returned to the mansion and had a good time with Captain Falcon and Ness at dinner. In fact, he had so much fun trolling people with his friends that he totally forgot about what happened that morning with Wyatt.

A few people noticed Little Mac wasn't being so manly anymore, but they brushed it off. They figured that Shulk's victory had just bruised his man-pride and he would go back to normal eventually.

Shulk never did ask Samus out. Zelda wondered why.

* * *

_Glowing orb of light - 5000 gold coins._

_"I'm not actually sure what it is, but it might be very valuable. Also, the light doesn't seem to be going out anytime soon. It could be used as a very efficient light bulb, which will save you some money in the long run." -Sheik_

_Condition: New._

_Brand: Sheik's junk._

_Model: Possibly something useful._

_Add to cart?_

Ridley stared longingly at the product on the oversized screen. A single, salty tear rolled down his eye as he remembered Sakurai's words from the last chapter.

_"You're still too big for me."_

Well, if he was still too big when he was small, then it wouldn't matter if he went back to his original size, right? No, it wouldn't. He clicked the "YES" button.

Maybe he should move to Texas, he thought, because bigger is better in Texas.

_"Glowing orb of light" added to cart._

_Cart:_

_Glowing orb of light - 5000_

_Bundle of 20 Rare Pepes FOR SALe!1 - 500_

_Huggly-Fugly Sakurai Hug Pillow - 66_

_Total: 5566 gold coins._

_Purchase these items?_

Ridley clicked "YES" again.

_3 items purchased! Your shipments will arrive within 4.20 - 42 seconds._

"SKREE," Ridley whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day, Shulk will actually get a useful meme.
> 
> If you get the "Loli Big Boobs" shout-out, then you get a Rare Pepe, because cookies are for non-memelord scum. (laughs)


	5. PARTY HARD, GET #REKT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samus and Zelda go to a party. So do Shulk and co.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't been updating as much on here... I came back to my account after a month and it was like an empty, un-updated wasteland... hence the three chapters in one day.

Zelda sighed, for the seventeenth time that morning. Samus was starting to get annoyed.

"Something wrong?" Samus asked.

Zelda sighed, again.

Samus resisted the urge to sigh in frustration herself. Instead, she said, "Y'know, if you keep sighing at that rate, you're going to break your record."

"What record?" groaned Zelda.

"The last time I counted how many times you sighed, it was twenty-three. And that was over the course of a whole day." Samus put her elbows on the cafeteria table and rested her head in her hands. "You've sighed almost three-fourths of that in the past twenty minutes. So, is something wrong?"

Zelda folded her arms into her lap. She took a deep breath, about to sigh again, but she caught herself before she could let the breath out. Honestly, royalty such as herself shouldn't be so mopey! It was unbecoming of a Hylian princess! _One must always put aside her emotions for the sake of her kingdom..._

"Well, I..." she began. She really shouldn't be admitting her feelings so openly, she thought. "I..."

Samus really felt like sighing right now. "Come on, you're not Elsa. Spit it out."

Okay, so she didn't have magical ice powers _,_ but Zelda did have that whole "conceal-don't-feel" thing going on. She took in a shaky breath and braced herself for feels...

...but nothing feels-related came out of her mouth. It would be better if she didn't give Samus something to worry about, she thought. She rested her cheek on the table and covered her face with her arms.

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about it," she finally said.

"Zelda..."

She said nothing back. Samus tapped her fingers on the table, and there was an awkward silence.

There it was- that was what was bothering Zelda so much. The silence. It was suffocating her. It made her feel so- so _lonely._

"C'mon, Zel. Cheer up."

Zelda did not cheer up and instead opted to mope some more.

She reflected on the silence (or, to put it more accurately, moped about it). It was quieter because Peach and Mr. Game & Watch weren't there. She missed having them around. She couldn't have tea parties without them- it just wasn't the same. The tea didn't have the flavor of _friendship,_ or something cheesy like that.

"Hey, if we go to the party tonight, will you feel better?"

Zelda didn't look up. "A party?" she said, sounding uninterested.

"Yeah, a party. And we're gonna go to it and you're gonna feel better."

Zelda sighed, for the eighteenth time. "If it makes you happy-"

"NO!" _WHAM!_ Samus brought her hands down on the table, hard. Zelda nearly jumped out of her seat at the noise.

"This isn't about me, Zelda. This is for _you!"_

She lowered herself back into the seat, but her words still carried the same intensity as before.

"Now, I don't know what your problem is, and if you don't want to tell me that's fine I guess. But you're depressed and if this party is going to make you happy, then dammit, we're gonna go!" She grabbed Zelda's hand and dragged her out of the cafeteria. "Now let's go pick out some girly dresses or something."

"Wha-?"

"Don't question it."

Zelda stumbled along with Samus, still a little shocked by her friend's outburst. "I don't understand!"

"You'll get it when we go to the party."

"Cease this immediately!"

"No."

"I- I-"

"Shoosh."

It finally dawned on Zelda that Samus, for all her usual indifference, was worried about her. She was genuinely worried about _her, of all people!-_ and that even if she was kind of bossing her around... she really did want her to be happy. A warm, fuzzy felling welled inside her, and a gentle smile played on her lips- a real, genuine smile.

"Thank you, Samus," she murmured.

Samus looked down at the ground and dragged her friend along a little faster.

* * *

Meanwhile...

Mr. Game & Watch sat peacefully in his chair and observed his surroundings. There was an endless expanse of red that stretched on for miles and reached all the way to the jet-black horizon. From there, he could see clusters of stars shining in their multicolored glory. If he looked behind him, he would see a majestic ring of stones circling the scenery, and then behind that, he would see a line of gas giants of all different sizes and colors.

It was rather peaceful scenery, he thought. He set his cup of tea down on the classy wooden table.

"So, Peach," he began. "Is the tea enjoyable?"

Peach slouched in her own chair and poured herself another cup. "ayy lmao" she responded.

"That's good," said Mr. Game & Watch.

A crowd of aliens surrounded the two and began to dance to reggae music. Peach stood up and joined them, shaking her hips and flailing her arms in the air.

Mr. Game & Watch sat back and watched the aliens dancing, then looked back at the starry sky. He let out a happy 8-bit sigh.

Mars wasn't so bad, actually, when you didn't need to breathe in space.

* * *

It was a dark and dreary night. The streetlights cast a dim yellow light on the dusty streets and blocked out the moonlight- you know what, screw this. I'm not a famous author, not every word I write has to be like a Picasso masterpiece. Let's try this again.

It was a dark and dreary night, you know, like Halloween dreary. The moon was just a tiny sliver in the sky, the stars were barely there, only half the streetlights were working. And they lined each and every street, flickering like they were threatening to go out, casting a dim yellow light on the dusty roads.

Shulk, Ness, and Captain Falcon walked through the streets, searching for Blazit Lane. They crossed Smash Street, then Bomb-omb Boulevard, and finally Rainbow Road ( _not_ the racing stage because no, just _NO._ Let's not talk about it). Then they came across the seedier side of the Smash neighborhood.

The first of these seedy streets was Pi Circuit, where the math nerds lived. There was only one house there that seemed even remotely party-worthy, and even then the lawn was way overgrown, some of the windows were broken, and the paint on the door was faded and peeling.

Shulk and co. stared up at the neon sign tacked on to the house, which read, "EAT PIE PARTY HARD."

"...So I guess this is where the party is?" said Captain Falcon.

"Probably," said Ness.

"I think so," said Shulk. He took out a small strip of paper and examined it. "This is 420 Blazit Lane, right?"

Falcon checked the building number. "314..." He dashed over to the street sign. "314 Pi Circuit," he called.

Shulk shrugged. "Eh, close enough," he said, and knocked on the door twice.

After a few seconds, a little blonde boy wearing a teal suit and big glasses opened the door.

"Hello," Jeff said, all businesslike. "Are you here for the homework party?"

"Wait a second. Did you say... a _homework_ party?"

"Yes, a homework party."

"Nerds," Shulk said, sticking out his tongue.

"Primitive swine," the boy retorted. He slammed the door closed.

 _Wow, rude,_ thought Shulk. _All I did was call them nerds._ He walked back to his friends and stated, "This isn't the place. They're a bunch of math nerds, they don't know how to party hard."

Ness nodded in agreement. He had seen Jeff answering the door, and he had had firsthand experience with nerd parties before. He stared off into the distance, triggering a flashback...

* * *

"This is stupid," said Ness, setting his pencil on the table. "A homework party? Really?"

"Homework parties aren't stupid," replied Jeff. He turned on the radio, and "White and Nerdy" came on.

"yOU CAN'T DO SIMPLE MATHS under pressure! yOU CAN'T DO SIMPLE MATHS under pressure!" chanted the math nerds.

They all pulled out giant stacks of paper and did simple maths under pressure. Then, they moved on to regular algebra under pressure. Then, they did _pre-cal_ under pressure! All while chanting the same phrase. It was Ness' worst nightmare. He swore he could see the trippy, nightmarish backgrounds from the MOTHER games returning...

Oh, but that wasn't the worst of it. The nerds then pulled out... _calculators!_ And _graphing paper!_ They started to graph geometry shapes on the graph paper, while punching in complicated operations into their calculators.

Then it hit him. Ness realized that the nerds were _actually studying!_

Ness was scarred for life! 9999 HP of mortal damage to Ness!

Ness fainted...

* * *

Ness shook his head, ending the traumatic flashback, just as Captain Falcon asked, "Wanna try the next street?"

"No, wait a sec," replied Shulk. He cycled through his Monado Arts until he got the one he wanted- "SPEED!"- then he dashed off to the nearest convenience store, leaving a cloud of dust in his wake. Complete with a _nyoom_ and terrible visual effects!

Ness pulled out a stopwatch. "One... two... three..."

Falcon knelt down and started scribbling in the dust with his finger.

Ness started tapping his foot. "Five... six... seven..."

Falcon proudly stepped back from his crappy drawing of the Blue Falcon. He looked back up at the street and saw a cloud of dust approaching at rapid speeds.

"Eight... nine..."

The cloud of dust flew straight at Falcon and Ness (still with terrible visual effects!) and overtook them completely, making them cough and hack. They were eating dust, literally. It did not taste good, making the two cough and hack even more. When the dust finally settled, there was Shulk standing in front of them, back from the toilet store with a bunch of toilet paper rolls.

"Ten seconds flat!" he said, grinning.

"Don't say it-" Ness groaned.

"Let's make these math nerds 20 percent cooler!"

Ness facepalmed. "Oh my god."

Shulk tossed Falcon and Ness fifteen rolls each (yeah, Shulk got quite a few rolls. Don't ask where he stored them). They all did that weird "we have a plan but we're not telling the audience" thing where they exchange meaningful glances and then nod. William Tell Overture started to play in the background.

"YOLOOOOO!" they all epically shouted, and then the toilet paper rolls flew forth.

* * *

The three memers stepped back from their awesome TP job. The math nerds' party building was covered in trails of toilet paper from top to bottom, and it had also been hit with a grand total of three raw eggs.

"Nerds," Captain Falcon repeated. He put his hands on his hips like an independent black woman who don't need no man. Ness nodded in agreement.

"Alright, _now_ we can go to the next street," said Shulk. He walked off in the direction of Blazit Lane, counting the number of streetlights that were actually working. One, two, three, four... Ness and Falcon followed silently behind.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Ness asked, "Are you sure we're going to the right place this time?"

They stopped at a crosswalk. Shulk didn't even look both ways before walking across. Luckily, there were no cars out at that time of night.

"Yeah, I'm sure," he mumbled, and he waved Ness's question off. How many streetlights had he counted again? Uh, seven, eight, nine... Darn, Ness's question made him lose track.

Ness was about 75% sure that 420 Blazit Lane was not where the party was, but he decided to look both ways and then cross the street with Captain Falcon anyway.

But not without complaining, of course. "The flyers had the address," he mumbled.

As Ness and Falcon reached the other side, Shulk spread his arms out wide. "So, this is Blazit Lane," he announced. (This is completely unrelated, but he had counted a total of fifteen working streetlights. In reality, there were only eleven.)

"Yes!" shouted Captain Falcon.

The three of them walked down the street, looking for the right house. In the end, it was Ness who found it. "Look," he said, pointing at a worn-down wooden house.

Shulk walked up to the door and checked the house number. "Yep, that's 420." He knocked on the door twice.

After a few seconds, a short Mii with orange-red hair and catlike eyes opened the door.

"Hi, I'm Rena, are you here for the party?" she asked.

"Yeah."

Shulk peered past the Mii and into the house. He saw the living room full of Miis with bloodshot eyes. They were so high, they were literally floating off the ground. Shulk was now slightly concerned. He looked a little longer, and saw that one of the floating Miis was rather chubby, and had a gray beard. For some reason, he seemed awfully familiar...

Beat.

Shulk pointed at the bearded Mii and screamed, "OHMYGOD IS THAT SANTA CLAUS?!"

"Hm?" Rena turned around and saw the Mii, who was belting out the theme song to Dora the Explorer. "Oh. Yeah, guess so."

"BOOTS AND SUPER COOL EXPLORER DORA! HO HO HO, I'M THE MAP!" shouted Santa Claus.

"Uh... I-" Shulk stammered. "I am here for the party, but I- I think I came to the wrong one, heh heh... ha..." At this point, he was already out of the doorframe and inching his way down the steps. "Well, g'bye!" And he slammed the door closed and got the heck away from there.

Ness and Falcon walked up to him.

"Was that the wrong place too?" asked Falcon.

"Yep. They were literally high."

"What?"

"Like, they were floating-off-the-ground high. It was... weird."

"Oh."

There was a short awkward pause.

"Are you _sure_ you wrote the right address down?" Ness asked, frustrated.

"I swear that was the address on the billboard!" Shulk replied, equally frustrated.

"I swear it _wasn't._ You could've just taken a flyer, you know."

"Flyers are for the weak." Shulk shook a fist at no one in particular. "The weak and the... the directionally challenged!"

"Which is why you should've taken a flyer," Ness mumbled under his breath.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

"Shulk is directionally challenged," whispered Ness.

Shulk's eye twitched. "Seriously pretending I didn't hear that."

Captain Falcon looked nervously at Shulk, then at Ness, then back at Shulk, then back at Ness. There were actual sparks flying between them. Deciding to intervene before the sparks turned into lightning, he said, "Uh, so where else would the party be?"

"21 Jump Street," suggested Ness.

"No, it's dangerous there," Shulk said.

"This _whole neighborhood_ is dangerous."

"Jump Street is especially dangerous, though," said Falcon. "I don't think Master Hand would throw a party where we could die."

The three of them stopped to think about it. Yeah, Master Hand probably wouldn't want them to die. It would totally cut into his profits, and then he'd never hear the end of it from the rabid fans.

"Maybe 33 Meme Street?" suggested Shulk.

"Doubt it, it's not safe for work," said Falcon. "9000 Power Drive?"

"I've heard that the people who live there blow up their houses with giant laser beams... on a daily basis."

"That's more dangerous than Jump Street!" protested Ness.

"But on Jump Street, the houses get blown up on a daily basis... and they have watch dogs with _eye lasers._ "

Ness pouted. "Whatever. 413 Dunloseur Way?"

"No one's ever been able to find it," said Falcon.

"Hmm."

The memers put their hands to their chins and contemplated. Pi Circuit was the math nerds' party. Blazit Lane was the Miis'. Jump Street, Meme Street, Power Drive, and Dunloseur Way were all out of the question. They were running out of street suggestions, and fast. There was only one other place in the neighborhood where the party could be...

"...360 Noscope Street?" they all said at the same time.

"It's the only place left," said Shulk.

"I'm pretty sure it's safe," said Falcon.

Ness started walking in the direction of Noscope Street. "Then let's go already-"

"No, wait!" said Shulk. "Wanna TP these guys, too?"

Ness stopped and turned around. He paused for a second, and then smirked. He pulled out some extra rolls of toilet paper that he had somehow formed into a shotgun.

"Let's do it," he replied, tossing the toilet paper gun like he was cool.

Shulk and Falcon pulled out their own rolls, which they had made into different kinds of artillery.

"Yeah, let's do it," said Shulk. "Let's make these stoners _420_ percent cooler!"

"God, Shulk. You're not a brony, stop it," muttered Ness.

"You guys..." said Falcon.

William Tell Overture started to play again.

"...YOLOOOOO!" they all epically shouted, and then the toilet paper rolls flew forth.

* * *

Zelda downed half of her seventeenth cup of highly questionable punch, and then poured the rest of it on her new dress. She was so drunk, her capitalization and punctuation were off. "hayyyy samus" she slurred. "heay. heaaaay shamus"

"Zelda, stop that. You're ruining your dress."

"guess what"

"What."

"cucco butt"

Samus sighed, knowing exactly where the joke was going.

"gues where"

"What."

"cucco hair."

"Yes, I get it."

"guess woaca"

"What."

"cucco cloaca"

Samus put her elbow on the table and rested her head on her hand. "This is the third time you've made that joke. Maybe you should tell it to someone else."

"you know whta,,,?, thats a grEAT idea!"

"I- I didn't actually mean-"

But Zelda had already gotten up and left. Samus sighed again, now that she was alone. Maybe she could answer the door or something. Her table was closest to the door, after all.

_Ding-dong!_

Samus went up to the door and opened it. "Oh, hey Shulk."

"Hey, Samus."

"You're kinda late."

"Yeah, I know."

From behind Shulk, Ness said, "This idiot here wrote down the wrong address."

"I _swear,_ that was the address in the announcements!"

"You could've taken a flyer," said Samus.

"Yeah, I know that now."

Captain Falcon asked, "Can we go in now? It's getting cold outside."

Samus realized she was blocking the doorway, and stepped aside. "Oh- oh, yeah. Sure, come in."

The three memers walked into the room and looked around, wide-eyed. It was a crazy party, complete with disco ball! Rave lights! And last but not least, Smashers doing stupid things!

"Oh, and don't drink the punch," added Samus. "Someone spiked the punch."

"Got it," replied Shulk.

But Ness was already on the other side of the room, drinking a cup of punch. "Dude, this tastes so weird," he shouted.

"Don't drink it!" Samus shouted back. "It has alcohol!"

"Oh. Okay," said Ness. He glanced at the half-finished cup, then at Samus, then decided that he was a teenage rebel and he was going to finish the cup.

"You're a minor, that's illegal!" Samus shouted.

Ness threw the cup in the trash. "Meh."

There was a bout of loud, raucous laughter from Zelda and Bowser as she told him her "cucco cloaca" joke.

"If you drink too much, you're going to end up acting stupid like them," said Samus.

"I'm not gonna drink any more, geez. Tasted weird anyway." He walked off to the kidz corner, where Villager and Toon Link were playing some super-intense rock-paper-scissors.

Captain Falcon looked around and saw the Wii Fit Trainers, Luigi, and Mega Man twerking in another corner. "Dance party!" shouted Captain Falcon, dashing off to join them. "Show me your moves!"

Shulk and Samus were now left standing there, by themselves, in front of the door. They didn't talk to each other too much, they just stood there, awkwardly, next to the door.

"I like your dress," Shulk said.

"Uh, thanks," replied Samus.

There was an awkward silence.

"Uh, you can sit down," Samus finally said.

"Oh, yeah." Shulk sat down at the table, and Samus sat down across from him. "Well... this is awkward."

"Yeah."

Shulk decided to look around the room for memelords. There was Link, who was shooting arrows into the ceiling; Sonic, who was running around shouting "UR 2 SLO"; Ike and Marth, who were playing board games with Sheik and Greninja; Donkey and Diddy Kong, who were throwing things; Fox and Falco, who were hanging out and making really bad drunk jokes...

"ROFLCOPTERRRR"

...and Robin, who was trying to be a daredevil. He had dragged a ramp out from the closet and into the room, and he had a kiddy helmet on, lol-lerskates strapped to his boots, and an Elwind tome in each hand. "HEY U GAIZ LOOKIT ME" he shouted.

Everyone fell silent as all heads turned toward him (they were thinking it was some sort of hired entertainment). Then, a faint _soi-soi-soi-soi_ noise. As the noise got louder and louder, the pages in the tomes started to flip wildly. _Soi-soi-soi-soi-soi-sOI-SOI-SOI..._

Robin crouched down and held his arms out behind him, Naruto-style. Time to fly. "TWEET TWEET, MOFOS" he shouted like the bada** he was-

Sakurai's furious (but still heavenly) face descended from the heavens and boomed, "Don't use language, narrator. _Think of the kids!"_

F*** the kids! This fic is rated T!

"What did I just say?!"

I don't give a f-

"If you keep using language like that... just remember, you're in the Smash universe too and I have power over you."

'S not like you've actually done anything.

Sakurai cleared his throat and the ground started to shake. The Smashers all ran down to the basement in order to avoid the sudden earthquake.

O-okay! Okay, fine.

The Smashers returned to the living room, situated themselves again, and then turned to Robin once more.

"TWEET TWEET, MOFOS!" With a loud _SOI-SOI-SOI-SOI,_ Robin nyoomed up the ramp on his lol-lerskates.

As Robin launched off, everything went slow-mo and "I Believe I Can Fly" started to play. He closed his eyes and savored the feeling of soaring gracefully through the air, like a real bird. Maybe now he could be a _true_ robin, and join his kind like he was always meant to do. He spread his arms- no, _wings-_ out wide...

...and promptly crashed into the ceiling. No explosions, though, because it looked really stupid and also he got stuck in the ceiling.

"uh, a little help here?" he said, his voice muffled from being stuck in the ceiling.

"Robin! What are you doing?!" a female voice yelled.

"cheep cheep"

"DON'T 'cheep cheep' YOUR SISTER, ROBIN!"

"sry"

Reflet, Robin's older sister, cleared a path to where Robin was stuck, taking a tipsy Palutena with her. Palutena burst into laughter upon seeing a pair of tactician legs in the ceiling. Reflet facepalmed.

"halp meh" cried Robin. He kicked his legs around, but nothing in the ceiling gave way. "pls?" he added.

Palutena giggled. "Are you having fun up there, biiird mannnn?" she teased.

"nO"

"But aren't you a bird?"

"i am! ...kinda sorta."

"Hee hee hee. Don't start trying to lay eggs on us, bird man."

"h-hey! i-" He was about to say that it was biologically impossible for male birds to lay eggs, but there were more pressing matters. "j-just get me down from here! please!"

"Come on, Palutena," demanded Reflet. "I don't want people laughing at my bro."

"Ooohh-kaaaayyy. Pit!"

The addressed angel burst out of the storage closet and ran to his goddess. "I've been waiting in the closet, just like you said- Lady Palutena, are you drunk?!"

"It doesn't matter, Pitty-poo."

Pit cringed at the weird nickname, but he did his best not to show it.

"Hey Pretty-Pit, Ribbon wants you to get bird man down from the ceiling."

"Bird man?"

"Ribbon without boobs."

"Ribbon without...?" He looked at the ceiling and saw Robin kicking his legs around. He assumed that was what Palutena was talking about. "...Uh, sure thing, Lady Palutena." He dashed up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

Cut to upstairs, where Robin's upper body was sticking out of the floor. He looked very distressed and embarrassed. When Pit finally got upstairs and was wheeled down next to him, he let out a sigh of relief.

"oh hey pit" he tried to say as casually as possible. It didn't work.

"Hey, Robin. Lady Palutena told me to get you out... somehow."

"thank"

"Are you ready?"

"i dont even care, just pls get me down"

Pit put his hands on Robin's shoulders. "Prepare yourself for extreme hurting?"

Robin made an audible gulping noise.

"And puuuush!"

"OHMYNAGA THAT HURTS"

"Sorry!"

"STOP"

"No! Otherwise you're going to be stuck here forever."

"oh"

"Alright, let's try this again. ...Puuuush! Push it reeaaal goood!"

"GYAH"

There was a clean _POP_ as Robin suddenly fell from the ceiling and crashed into the ground.

"I did it, Lady Palutena!" Pit shouted, jumping down through the new hole in the ceiling. He returned to Palutena, and she patted him on the head.

"Good boy! I'll let you get an extra bowl of ice cream today."

"Squee! Being unhealthy is the best!"

They both left to get food, leaving the tacticians by themselves.

Reflet sighed as she brushed dust off her younger brother. "Quit being so stupid. You're not a bird." She flicked his forehead and made him flinch. "See, this is why you can't S-Support anyone."

Robin smiled sheepishly.

Master Hand burst into the living room and roared, "ALRIGHT, WHO BLEW A HOLE IN MY VACATION HOUSE?!"

Every Smasher froze at the sound of the voice, dropping whatever they were doing. Anyone who was drunk instantly sobered up; that was the power of Master Hand's ALL-CAPS RAGE!

Robin slowly raised a trembling hand up so Master Hand could see it.

"ROBIN?! DO _NOT_ DESTROY MY PRIVATE PROPERTY! YOU'RE BANNED!" He did the finger walk toward Robin and then flicked him out of the house. Robin screamed like a little girl as he flew away... then he realized he was _flying._ He spread his arms out again while "I Believe I Can Fly" played faintly in the distance.

"Alright you guys, party's over, time to go back to the mansion," Master Hand said in his indoor voice. There was a collective "awww" from the Smashers, but they began to filter out of the room anyway.

Shulk stared after Robin, his jaw agape. He swore he was drooling a bit. Those were some juicy, delicious memes Robin had there, he thought, and he was going to get his hands on them, one way or another.

Captain Falcon returned to Shulk, with Ness following close behind. He looked at Shulk, then at where Robin had been flicked away, then back at Shulk.

"...Okay," Ness finally said, "so out of the _fifty-three_ people in the mansion, you like the guy who thinks he's a bird?"

Shulk noticed he was actually drooling and wiped his face off. "Well, it could be worse," he replied. "I mean, the King of Evil is a total weeaboo. Also all the Pokemon. That would be kinda weird."

"Yeah, I guess."

With his suspicions satisfied, Ness walked out the door. Shulk and Falcon went out behind him. But unlike Ness suspected, Shulk wasn't really thinking about Robin in _that_ way. Actually, Shulk had just made up his mind- he was going to challenge Robin to a D-D-DUEL!

...right after Robin got back from being banned.

As the three memers walked out with the last few Smashers, Shulk glanced back at the sign on the house. "PARTY HARD GET #REKT," it read.

Well, they _did_ party hard, he thought. And the house _did_ get regular wrecked.

He wanted to make the house #REKT, though. He looked at Ness and Falcon, who nodded meaningfully.

"20 percent cooler," he whispered, and then they all whipped out their toilet paper artillery-

"Captain Falcon. Ness. Shulk," threatened Master Hand, "do not make me ban you."

They TP'ed the house anyway (and subsequently were banned from the mansion).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shulk's really going to challenge Robin next chapter because this one is sooper-dooper long. Nearly 5,000 words! Geez.
> 
> I used up part of my reserve of uncensored curses (three curses- think of the kids!), so it's either lose money to the swear jar or censor some curses.
> 
> ...I don't want to lose money to the swear jar.


	6. Scale Tipping (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shulk really wants to challenge Robin. It would great if he could actually FIND him, though...

It was another normal day on the job. And by normal, I mean reeeeally slow. Barely anyone came to the local book store anymore, considering how e-books were all the rage. And the brand-spanking-new Books-a-Billion at the Grand Metropolis Mall wasn't helping matters either.

Reflet leaned onto the counter and stared off into space for the thirteenth time that day, and she had only been working for what? An hour and a half?

Now that she thought about it, she couldn't even call it "working." All she had done so far was stare into space... and she was just going to keep staring into space until someone decided they wanted to buy books from a tiny local bookstore...

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity (probably only fifteen minutes), a customer finally walked into the bookstore. Reflet snapped out of her boredom-induced trance and straightened up.

"Welcome to The Book Worm!" she called. Then, she recognized the person who walked in. "Oh hi, Ganondorf."

Ganondorf didn't respond and instead started walking faster.

"Um... hello there?"

Still no response. Reflet peeked around her cash register to see what the King of Evil was doing in the bookstore. She caught a glimpse of him making a concerned face, before he disappeared behind a corner and into the Teen Fiction section.

"Uhh, can I help you find anything?"

Still not a word out of him. Fine, thought Reflet, two can play at the ignoring game. She slouched on the counter again and stared straight ahead.

Ganondorf continued to wander around in the teen section, making noise as he pulled books off their shelves.

...Okay, nevermind, she couldn't play the ignoring game. She peeked around the cash register again, waiting for Ganondorf to come back around the corner.

He returned with a single book in hand, grumbling to himself and makimg the same concerned face as before. Reflet turned her gaze so he wouldn't think she had been watching him.

"Did you find everything you needed?" she asked. But when Ganondorf slid the book onto the counter, he made no eye contact and  _still_  didn't reply.

She picked up the book and took a good look, it's in a book, Reeeeeading Rainboooow! Strangely enough, the book opened up from the left side. And the title...

"Uhh... Toradora the Explorer?" she wondered out loud.

The Gerudo man looked down at the ground and started to fidget. "...Hurry up already."

"I didn't know you were into manga..."

"I'm not. It's for the Demon Ham Ghiraham."

"Ah, I see." She scanned the manga book, then bagged it and said, "That would be 1089 gold coins."

Ganondorf took out a coin purse shaped like a cute little Cucco and handed over the money. Reflet began to think that he was lying, and the manga actually wasn't a present for Ghiraham. So she asked him a question to test her hunch.

"But I thought the assist trophies didn't really care about comics."

She was met with more silence from Ganondorf.

"I thought there was only one person in the Smash Mansion who was into manga?"

Silence again. And then, finally...

"Do not tell anyone about my interests, or I will... I'll..."

"You'll what?"

Ganondorf leaned over the counter and abruptly grabbed Reflet by her weird collar thing, glaring the darkest, most threatening of glares. "Do not tell anyone about this or I will WARLOCK PUNCH YOUR FACE INTO OBLIVION!"

"Okay okay your secret's safe with me don't worry!" cried Reflet, waving her hands around. After seeing the guy break down crying over his spilled ice cream, she had come off with the impression that the King of Evil... maybe wasn't so evil. But that nightmarish glare made her think otherwise. Maybe that was an out-of-character day for him. Maybe he had a cold. "Please no warlock punching I swear I won't tell a single soul!"

The Gerudo seemed satisfied with her answer and put the tactician down. He then turned around and walked out of the store, leaving her to stare after him, shocked. For a while, she was so shocked she didn't notice another guy walk into the store.

It was none other than the person you actually wanted to show up, Shulk the up-and-coming Supreme Meme Overlord! He walked over to the graphic novels section, wasted no time in picking out a book, and came back to the counter. Reflet finally noticed Shulk and grinned at him.

"I see you got back from being banned. What are you getting today?"

Shulk leaned on the counter and tossed a copy of Captain Canada in front of Reflet.

"Ahh, Captain Canada. Good choice!" She was about to begin rambling about the comic hero's backstory and how he had been genetically engineered with special banana DNA, when Shulk cut her off with a question.

"Where's Robin?" he asked.

She scanned the comic book and replied, "Dude, if you're here to make fun of my bro for that one night, I'm not gonna let you. Even if he  _is_  stupid beyond compare, he's still my brother."

"No, I thought that stunt was actually pretty cool." Shulk looked thoughtfully at the ceiling for a moment, then back at Reflet. "Him getting stuck in the ceiling was kinda funny-" Reflet glared at him- "but still, that whole roflcopter thing was pretty cool. Anyway, where is he? I want to talk to him."

Still glaring, Reflet leaned onto the counter herself. "Why," she pressed.

"I, uh... well..."  _She's probably not going to take "I want his memes" for an answer, is she?_ "I want to, uh, ask him something."

She raised an eyebrow. "Like what."

"Well, I..." Shulk laughed nervously. If he didn't think of a good cover-up and fast, then he'd have to wait even longer to challenge Robin to a d-d-duel! The plot would slow to a standstill, and maybe even stray from the author's original vision! But I, the great and powerful author (haha no), had other ideas.

Suddenly, the camera zoomed into Shulk's eye That's So Raven-style, but instead of him seeing into the future, he was looking into the past.

_Flashback, here to save the day! Remember that party about a week ago? Remember what Ness said?_

_"Okay, so out of the_ fifty-three  _people in the mansion, you like the guy who thinks he's a bird?"_

"I, uh, well..." Shulk began, looking at the ground, "I've liked your brother for a while..."

Upon hearing the word "like," Reflet's inner shipping lord activated. She got an evil grin on her face and said, "Ohhh, I see," rubbing her hands together.

"Um, are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm doing juuuust fine."

"That's always nice. I guess."

"Hmm... A candlelit date at fancy restaurant, or an outing in the park, holding hands, ending with a tender kiss as the sun sets..." Reflet clasped her hands together and let out a high-pitched _squeeeee!_  Then she realized that Shulk was still there, staring at her like she was crazy. (Let's be honest here though, she  _was_ a bit love-crazy.) "Uh- I mean- which do you think is more romantic?"

"...Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yup, perfectly fine. Shipping really gets me going, that's all. Ahem. Cough cough, you saw nothing."

"Did you literally just say 'cough'?"

"Um, I totally forgot your comic book!" Reflet shoved the Shulk's comic book in his face. "That would be 855 gold coins."

Shulk took the bag, reached into his pocket, and handed over the money.

"Meet me in the cafeteria, after dinner. We can go find him then. Have a nice day!"

"Uh, you too." And he left the store and Reflet was left alone again.

It only took a few seconds for Reflet to stare off into space for the fourteenth time that day.

* * *

Reflet put a hand to her chin. "I don't think he's here, Shulk. We've already looked all over the mansion."

"He's not here?"

"Probably disappeared to that secret place of his."

"Secret place?"

"He always goes there to mope."

"So... could you tell me where it is?"

"No clue where it is, he never told me."

"What?"

"It's his 'secret place' for a reason, y'know," said Reflet. "Wouldn't be a secret if I knew where it was, would it? He knows I'd blab about it to Palutena, and then she would blab about it to Pit, and Pit would tell literally everyone... Huh. Maybe he's not as stupid as I thought."

Shulk felt rather disappointed. "I guess I'm on my own now."

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"No no no, it's okay. You did what you could. I can always wait another day..."

Suddenly, the camera zoomed into Shulk's eye again.

_Shulk, standing atop one of the cafeteria tables. A crowd circled around, making a commotion over something._

_"HYAHH"_

_A glimpse of a giant bag of seeds._

_A boy with snow white hair dashed into the room, making a racket._

_"TWEET TWEET"_

_An explosion destroying the table!_

_Master Hand floating into the room, absolutely enraged._

And the vision ended, just like that.

"...or not," finished Shulk. "Sorry no time for goodbyes gotta go!" he said to Reflet, using Monado Speed to get his pretty booty out of the cafeteria.

The female tactician just stood there staring at the spot where Shulk just was. She seemed to be doing a lot of staring today.

"...What just happened?"

"Shulk ran out of the cafeteria," deadpanned Ness, taking the role of Captain Obvious since he hadn't appeared yet this chapter. Reflet jumped a little, since he just walked up beside her and suddenly said that. "Probably gonna go get something," he added.

"But what?" asked Reflet.

"I dunno," replied Ness as he shrugged. "He does it a lot, though. Just runs away and comes back. You'd think he'd get along with the Wii Fit Trainers."

Only a few seconds later, the Monado boy came running back into the cafeteria carrying a giant bag of bird seed. And also I forgot to mention it in his vision but now he was wearing nothing but his swimming trunks/underwear.

(Yes, he left his clothes somewhere between the convenience store and Smash Mansion. Because as he was running back to the mansion, he randomly decided,  _hey why don't I go shirtless?_   _And you know what, while I'm at that, I'll go pants-less too! What a great idea!_  So he left his clothes. And with his clothes he left any sense of sanity and common sense this fanfic had. Stupid shenanigans all the way!)

Shulk got up onto the Bara Bros' cafeteria table and did the whip and nae nae. The Bara Bros were suitably annoyed, and they started to throw some of their food at him (except for Captain Falcon, who just sat back and enjoyed the show. Maybe he was enjoying it a little too much). But Shulk just dodged their food and kept on whipping and nae nae-ing. You go Shulk, not letting the haters get you down.

Fascinated by this not-so-unusual turn of events, a crowd of Smashers began to form around the table. Some of them cheered Shulk on. Others chanted "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Yet others (Ness and Captain Falcon) whipped out their phones and recorded the crap out of the stupid scene. Surely Shulk wouldn't mind if they posted the video on YouTube and exposed his glorious glutes to the world.

"What the heck are you doing, bruh?!" shouted Little Mac angrily, throwing a tomato at Monado boy. "Are you out of your mind?!"

Shulk held up his bag of bird seed and started twerking. "I have important business with Robin!" he replied. "ROBIN! I HAVE BROUGHT! THE FOOD OF YOUR PEOPLE!"

"Bruh! You don't have to get on top of our table to give Robin some food!"

"But I saw it in a vision!"

"I don't care! Just stop twerking on the table, bruh! This is public indecency!"

Shulk stomped on Little Mac's food in defiance.

"You're gonna get us all banned! Get off the table already!"

"YODELE-EE-HOO-HAH" yodeled Shulk. He most definitely hadn't seen this in his vision, but it felt right to do. Maybe he was going to change the future. And besides, there was no way he was getting off the table until Robin came into the cafeteria.

Link, fed up with the crazy hijinks, went "HYAHH" and tossed a bomb on the table to try and get Shulk off.

Cue everyone in the cafeteria freaking out.

The Bara Bros started screaming at Link, telling him to stop the bomb. Link started screaming in his native Hylian, freaking out over his own bomb because he couldn't stop it. Shulk stopped twerking, but he didn't get off the table. He also started screaming.

Marth got up and walked out of the cafeteria, examining his nails. "I didn't sign up for this," he muttered.

Meanwhile, Ness and Captain Falcon were still calmly recording on their phones. This video was  _so_  going viral.

Shulk kicked the bomb into the crowd. The crowd played hot potato with it for a few seconds, then it made its way back into the hands of Link. He chucked the bomb at Shulk, hitting him in the head and knocking him down.

He tried to get back up, but he felt a bit wonky in the head. Concussions do that to you. So all he could do was watch the bomb as its fuse got shorter and shorter...

"TWEET TWEET"

Suddenly, the bird man/tactician Shulk wanted to see dashed into the cafeteria. "i smelled suNFLOWER SEEDS?!1?!" shouted Robin, looking around wildly. He realized the source of the smell was coming from the Bara Bros.' table and ran over. Then, he saw just what was going on.

"OH MY NAGA WHY IS THERE A BOMB"

Link put his hands up and replied, "I didn't mean to!"

Robin glanced at Link, then at the bomb, then at the near-unconscious Shulk on the table, then back to the bomb. Incompetent tactician he might be, but he wasn't just going to stand by and watch a helpless, shirtless dude get blown up.

He picked up the bomb, whose fuse had become dangerously short, sprinted out the cafeteria, and threw the bomb as hard as he could out the nearest window. It landed in the mansion garden and immediately blew up.

It definitely wasn't the most viable tactic, and the destruction of half the flowers made him worry about getting banned again, but it was a small sacrifice to make to save a fellow Smasher in need. He returned to the cafeteria, where he was met with a small bit of applause.

"So, I smelled sunflower seeds?" he said again, like a normal person this time.

"Y-yeah…" came a shaky voice from behind him.

"Oh! Shulk!" Robin ran back over to Shulk, who was still holding his bag of bird seed. "Are you okay?"

"Don't worry about me… I'm just… a little dizzy…"

Robin held up two fingers and asked, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Um… er… three, maybe…? No, twenty-six…?" Shulk scrunched up his face. "Uh… three hundred and… forty-seven. They keep multiplying…"

"Oh, gods. We need to get you to Dr. Mario."

He tried to lift Shulk up, but he couldn't do it with his scrawny anime arms. He was a tactician after all, not a bodybuilder. "Uh… someone help please."

Ironically, it was Ganondorf who decided to help out. He easily picked Shulk up and slung him over his shoulder. He tried to pry the bag of seed from his hands, but the Monado boy seemed determined to take the bag with him.

"Noooo…" said Shulk quietly.

Ganon sighed, walking out the cafeteria. "Fine, keep the stupid bag. Why not."

Whatever, it wasn't as if the bag was making him harder to carry. He took Shulk all the way down to the end of the hallway, around the corner, past the computer lab, and into Dr. Mario's office.

When he saw Ganon carrying Shulk, and Robin trailing worriedly behind them, the Doctor furrowed his brow. "What happened this time?" he asked.

"He got hit in the head," replied Ganon.

"Again? He really needs to be more careful."

"Again, huh."

"It happened once, a few days after the newcomers' party. Apparently this young man-" he gestured at Robin, who smiled nervously- "ran him over, along with Pit."

"Pit didn't see him," protested Robin. "And we apologized already! Don't hold it against us!"

Dr. Mario gave a wry smile and turned around. "Anyway, Ganon, set him down on the bed. I'll go get my pills."

Ganon did as he was told, dumping Shulk on the bed, then he left the room to go do his own thing. Now it was just Shulk and Robin, alone.

It wasn't exactly as romantic as Reflet imagined, but at least Shulk finally got the guy he wanted.

He moved his head in the direction of the bag of seeds in the corner of the room.

"…For you," he said softly.

Robin hesitantly walked over to the bag.

"For me?" he asked, just to be sure.

"Yeah."

He picked the bag up and sniffed it. Yep, it was bird seed all right. And they were sunflower seeds, too: his favorite.

"But… I gave you a concussion. Twice now." He looked down at the bag, then back at Shulk. "Why would you give this to me?"

Shulk smiled weakly.

"Soooo... I heard you like... to tip scales."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a nice day!


	7. Scale Tipping (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shulk finally gets to fight Robin. But after the battle, Robin sees Shulk in a new light...?!

It was the day after the whole twerking-on-the table incident. Dr. Mario had miraculously cured Shulk of his concussion with his pill-matching thing, so he could finally challenge Robin to a d-d-duel. They had planned it out that morning: later that evening, they would meet in the field a few miles from the mansion, and then they would fight for each other's dank memes.

So there they were, later that evening. Robin and Shulk (still only in his underwear) stood in the middle of the golden field, filled with scales of all different shapes and sizes: weighing scales, justice scales, reptile scales, musical scales... the list went on and on. It was beautiful- both the sunset and the scales.

"Scales, scales everywhere," murmured Robin, his eyes turning into hearts because wow, did he love scales. He may or may not have a scale fetish, but that's okay, because apparently everyone in this version of the Smash universe is wildly out of character and/or just  _really screwed up_.

Shulk put one arm around the tactician with a scale fetish, using his other arm to make a wide gesture at the field.

"Yes," he said, "and we're going to tip them. We're going to tip them  _all."_  He paused for dramatic effect and then added, "Winner gets the loser's dank memes. Can you dig it?"

Robin wiped the drool off his face and sensually replied, "Aw  _yuss._  I definitely dig it."

Out of nowhere, the announcer walked onto the scene and shouted, "You have five minutes to tip as many scales as you can. Use any of the moves in your moveset. The one who tips the most scales takes the other's memes. Ready... GO!"

And so the scale-tipping contest began.

Shulk ran off in one direction, and Robin ran off in the other. Their strategies were essentially the same: spam one move and knock over as many scales as possible. For Shulk, that move was Back Slash. For Robin, that move was Thoron.

However, as anyone who's played as Robin knows, Thoron takes forever to charge. He could knock over lots of scales in one shot, but he needed to take, like, seven seconds in between each shot. He fired his magical kamehameha of death three times... then it broke.

Well, that strategy was off. He then moved to spamming Arcfire... then that tome broke.

Finally, he went with the best strategy: spamming Elwind. He knocked over scales aplenty that way... then after about 30 uses,  _that_ tome broke too.

Stupid Fire Emblem weapon mechanics.

Meanwhile, Shulk was spamming Back Slash like it was gonna get nerfed, tipping over scale after scale after scale. And  _his_ weapon was a legendary sword that most definitely wasn't going to break. It had been only a minute, and it already seemed like Shulk could tip over enough scales to beat Robin at his own scale-tipping game.

Perhaps it was time for the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE...

"Time to tip the metaphorical scales!" he shouted, holding his Levin Sword high. He waited a few seconds...

...and nothing happened.

Shulk was suitably confused. "So does that actually do anything, or...?"

"Wait for it..."

"Uh..."

"Just... a little longer...!"

Just then, a silhouette appeared on the horizon, getting gradually larger as it got closer to Shulk and Robin.

"SHIPPING LORD HAS ARRIVED!" yelled Reflet, jumping over the horizon and sprinting to her brother at top speed. She knocked over the scale he was about to tip and added, "Hello friends I am here!"

There was a short pause as Reflet's words sank in. Then, Robin suddenly got surprised and offended at his sister's words. He clenched his trembling hands into fists.

"D-did you just call yourself... Shipping Lord?!" he said slowly and quietly.

Reflet flipped her hair (she could never be as fabulous as Marth, but she could always try). "Yeah, what of it?"

"I thought... I thought  _I_ was the Shipping Lord!"

"Yeah, right. If you're the Shipping Lord, then how come you haven't actually hooked anyone up yet?"

"I- You just haven't seen me hooking anyone up! I don't need to tell you every little thing about my shipping ventures!"

"Uh-huh. You're  _really_ bad at lying, did you know that?"

"I'm just waiting for the right moment! You know how it is..."

Robin continued ranting to his sister about knowing that, as self-proclaimed matchmakers, making the move at the perfect time was of crucial importance. Reflet kept telling him "I know, I know already!" and "Shut up!" and stuff like that, but Robin just rebuffed her with angry "TWEET TWEET"s and kept on ranting. You go Robin, not letting the haters get you down.

Shulk noticed that Robin and Reflet were so caught up in their arguing, they had totally forgotten to tip scales. He watched them for a bit, but eventually got bored of it. So he went back to running around, spamming Back Slash, and tipping even more scales.

"...which is why  _I_ obviously should be the Shipping Lord!" finished Robin.

Reflet put a hand on her hip. She opened her mouth, ready with a rant of her own, but-

"GAME! Time's up!" shouted the announcer. Robin and Reflet looked at him in surprise. Had they seriously just argued for three minutes straight? Yes, yes they had.

"And the winner is..."

"This is a good result!" taunted Shulk, doing a pose with the Monado.

"SHULK!"

Instead of clapping like they should have, Robin stood there in shock, and Reflet fell to her knees.

"I can't believe it," she mumbled. "Even though I tipped the scales, we still... lost?"

"I guess the scales were tipped the wrong way!" joked Shulk. Reflet scowled.

She reached into her coat and pulled out an orb of light, and tossed it at Shulk. "Here, take it. You win."

She then hooked her arm around her brother and dragged him off. "Come on, let's go."

Shulk watched them get farther and farther away from him for a bit, then asked, "Hey, voice. What do these memes do?"

 _O-oh yeah!_  the voice said.  _You got Robin and Reflet's memes! Now you can tip scales, both the physical and metaphorical kind!_

"Okay but is it useful?"

_Yes._

_"Thank_ you! Finally, something I can use!"

_But wait, there's more! You gained the title of Shipping Lord! Now, you can be a master matchmaker. Experience the joy of getting people to make out!_

"Noice!"

_BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Support conversations in the style of Fire Emblem: Awakening have been implemented. Build bonds between you and your friends!_

"That's cool, I guess."

_It's way better than it sounds, I swear. I'll tell you more about it in a few chapters._

"I guess so."

After hearing what the voice had to say about his new memes, Shulk finally turned around and walked off into the sunset, with one last glance back at the tactician siblings. Robin looked up at Shulk just as he was looking back, and their eyes met.

He must have glanced up at just the right time.

The slight furrow in his blonde eyebrows. The sparkle in his deep blue eyes. The gleam of his muscles in the evening sun.

And dat ass.

Robin felt his fresh-out-of-puberty hormones start raging.

He was  _perfect._

"...ROBIN!"

"Huh? What?"

"Were you even listening to what I said?"

"Uh, yeah."

"You definitely weren't listening to what I said." Reflet cleared her throat, making sure that her brother knew she was irritated. "As I was saying... Shulk has our memes, so I guess it doesn't even matter now. Neither of us can be the Shipping Lord anymore."

"Shulk..."

"You're still not listening, are you..." Reflet gave Robin a good shake, making him snap out of his reverie. "Hey, what's gotten into you all of a sudden?"

"N-nothing. It's nothing," Robin replied, blushing.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, it's nothing. Nothing at all..."

The camera faded to black.

* * *

Ness, Captain Falcon, Toon Link and Villager crowded around the computer screen. Sure, it was past curfew, but this time they knew it would definitely be worth it.

"Bruh, it's been a few minutes now. You should refresh it," said Captain Falcon to Ness.

"Okay."

Ness did as he was told and refreshed the video. The number of views skyrocketed from 301+ to 301,974.

"Oh my god," said Villager.

"Someone has too much free time," snarked Ness.

"Read the comments," suggested the Captain.

Ness scrolled down to read the comments.

 _FIRST,_  read one.

 _That shirtless guy has brought a new meaning to watch me whip,_ read another.

_ogmogmomg why is there a bOMB_

_That white haired dude making the bird noises. Bless him._

_I SHIP IT!1!1! X3_

_much lel very kek_

_Well, that escalated quickly._

"Typical PooTube fare," said Ness.

"Hey, at least they're not arguing over something completely unrelated," said Toon Link.

Ness scrolled through the comments a bit more and found a comment with over 100 replies. Apparently the thread had started with a witty remark about Marth, and somehow turned into an argument over communism, cancer, and toilet bowls.

"You shouldn't have said that," said Villager.

"Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. Sorry."

Moral of the story: Never go into the YouTube comments section, kids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, Robin has a crush on Shulk now. What have I done.
> 
> I guess you shouldn't look at Shirtless Shulk (TM) for too long, or else that happens.


	8. Goodnight, Sweet Memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shulk checks out the new Support system he got from Robin and Reflet. --Then suddenly, someone bursts into his room?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the chapter title doesn't quite fit with this chapter. Oh well.

Shulk laid half-awake in his bed, scrolling through menus on his phone. The contrast of bright light against the dark room hurt his eyes, but he didn't really care. It wasn't like he had been able to sleep anyway.

He tapped a little sprite of himself, pulling up sprites of Captain Falcon, Ness, Robin, and others. The sprites all had letters beside them, and they were grayed out. He didn't really get what they were for.

"how is this supposed to work..." he mumbled.

_What a great question!_

Shulk suddenly sat up and looked around. "w-who's that?!"

_It's me, the voice in your head! Seriously, I've been here since chapter two. Do you not remember me at all?_

"i do remember you, but..." Shulk glanced at the empty bed on the other side of the room. "for a moment, i thought you were my roommate." He glanced at the clock before lying back down in bed. 5:35 AM. He should still be gone, which was good.

 _My voice isn't that deep, silly!_  continued the voice.  _I'm not a man. Anyway, let me tell you about Homest-_

"no dONT"

_Sorry. Let me explain to you a thing about support conversations! Are you ready for an infodump?_

"that's better."

_Okay, so if you spend enough time with certain Smashers, you'll trigger a support conversation when you talk to them. And that raises your support level with them._

"uh-huh"

_There are four support levels: C, B, A, and S. C is the lowest level, while S is the highest. The higher your support level with a certain Smasher, the more they like you._

"uh-huh"

_And if you manage to get your support level up to S with someone, they'll like you in a dating way!_

"uh-huh. so... my life is a dating sim now."

_Yeah, pretty much._

"that's all?"

_You sound almost disappointed._

"i thought it was going to be better than that."

_You don't want to be in a dating sim?_

"eh, not really."

_B-but waifus!_

"im just not really interested i guess."

_Nerd. Anyway, you can check your support levels with the other Smashers from your phone right there. And one last thing- don't do it without S-Support._

"what? why not?"

_S-Support is a construct specifically designed for Fire Emblem characters to get into each others' pants. If you do it without S-Support, that's defying the rules of the Fire Emblem universe, which is like dividing by 0. You could possibly create a black hole that destroys the entire universe and everything you love (and your little dog, too)!_

Shulk had no one-word response for that.

_Yeah. Don't try it._

"okay then. i wont."

Shulk locked his phone, making the screen go black, and set it on the bedside dresser. He checked the clock. 5:45 AM.  _G_ _uess I should sleep now,_ he thought. He pulled the covers over himself and closed his eyes.

* * *

6:15 AM. The sun still wasn't out yet. Only the Wii Fit Trainers, and maybe some Smashers like Meta Knight or Lucario, would normally be up at this time.

Shulk sat up in his bed, feeling nature calling. Slowly, he slid out of the bed until he was limp on the ground. Then, he managed to stand himself upright, and trudged over into the bathroom to go do his business.

He thought he heard some heavy footstepsand a huge  _BOOM_ _!_ outside the bathroom, but he didn't really care. Maybe he was still dreaming...

About two minutes later (he was sleepy, he may or may not have missed the toilet), he opened the bathroom door to see that a giant, scaly foot had burst through his bedroom wall!

"SKREEEEEE!"

Shulk did not, however, actually realize a giant scaly, foot had just put a hole in his wall. So he just stood there and watched a really big space lizard storm into his room and start obliterating everything.

"this has got to be the trippiest dream I've had in a while" Shulk murmured.

Full-sized Ridley stomped over to Shulk's dresser and peered at it. Framed on the dresser was a picture of his in-universe love interest, Fiora. Ew, gross. Ridley huffed... and puffed... and breathed fire all over the dresser.

"merry christmas," said Shulk, thinking that the now burning-hot dresser was a giant holiday fireplace.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" skree'd Ridley. "THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU SCREAM IN TERROR YOU LITTLE MAGGOT!"

"huh what"

 _Jump out the window!_ said the voice in Shulk's head.

"what why"

_Ridley set your room on fire. Just do it!_

"wait Ridley just- he got his memes back?" He paused as he began to realize just what was going on. "how? when? wHY? WHEN? WHERE? WAHT HTE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..."

Yes, it was true, Ridley had gotten his memes back, and the situation was very real. He didn't know how in the world that giant skree lizard had managed to get his hands on them again, but he did, and now he was burning Shulk's bedroom down. And now Shulk was crossing over to the window on Wyatt's side of the room and jumping out.

"FUUUU-" he screamed as he fell, then another realization- "wait i remembered my rooms on the fourth floor! AAAAAAAAAAAA-"

 _CRACK!_ Shulk slammed into the ground, hard enough to break some bones (especially his spleen). He wasn't dead, though, and he hadn't broken any bones. At least he hoped so, because he hurt so much he was beginning to think he really had.

"Ow ow ow..." he whimpered. As he rolled onto his aching back, he saw a huge silhouette climb out of his window and jump down.

"YOU CAN'T ESCAPE, SKREEEE!"

The silhouette got bigger and bigger as it got closer to the ground. Shulk went into INSTANT PANIC MODE and rolled out of the way- and just in time, too. Ridley landed way too close to his face for comfort.

_Don't just lay there! Run, Forrest, run!_

"My name's not Forrest!" replied Shulk, but he started running anyway. He sprinted across the golden field, heading towards the park. Eight hundred meters away...

"HEY! DON'T RUN FROM ME!"

Ridley stomped after him not far behind. He huffed... and puffed... and shot a flare of 420 blaze it fire out from his mouth. Shulk could feel the heat of the flame just inches away from his back. He started running faster.

Seven hundred meters.

If he used Monado Speed... He reached over his shoulder to grip the familiar sword handle, but his hand grabbed at empty space. In the heat of the moment (pun intended), he had left the Monado in his room.

_Well, crap._

Six hundred meters.

_Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. In through nose, out through mouth... Geez, I never thought I'd have to use Wyatt's stupid breathing tips like this._

He glanced behind him. A furious Ridley was blocking his view of the mansion. Ridley huffed... and puffed... and blew 420 blaze it fire again.

"Ow!" Shulk cried. This time, he felt an intense stinging pain from his back. The blaze just barely singed his shoulder.

_Oh, crap._

He forgot about deep breathing and sprinted with all of his might.  _Monado Speed would_ so _be great right now,_  he thought.

Four hundred meters.

Shulk felt lightheaded, and his breaths grew heavier with every step. Lungs giving in. Daggers in his throat. The taste of nickel. If he could just get to the park...!

Three hundred meters.

He saw a familiar figure jogging in his direction.

"WYATT! HELP!" Shulk shouted.

"Oh hey, Shulk-" Wyatt called cheerily, then seeing Ridley- "Oh my god."

He turned around and broke into a full-on sprint. "Oh my  _god._ OH MY GOD!"

"N-no! Don't run that way!" Shulk said. He tried to come up with something, but panic scrambled his thoughts. "You need to-"

_Go to the mansion- RUN AWAY- no, I need the Monado- KEEP RUNNING- why isn't that voice helping me out..._

One hundred meters.

"SKREEEE!"

_DO SOMETHING._

Shulk collapsed onto his hands and knees in front of the park, coughing and wheezing. He wasn't an athlete, and adrenaline could only take him so far. Bile rose into his throat as he waited for the inevitable.

Ridley covered the distance between him and the kneeling boy in three giant steps.

"I'VE GOT YOU NOW."

He wrapped his huge, scaly hands around the tiny boy and gripped him tight, lifting him up to eye level. Shulk felt his heart leaping into his throat as he rose higher and higher.

"R-Ridley..." He looked down nervously at the ground twenty feet below. "I..."

_I have to say something, NOW._

"This is for taking my memes," Ridley snarled, opening his mouth up wide. Shulk could see a spark, then a flame in the back of Ridley's throat that kept growing and growing and growing...

Ridley huffed... and puffed... and-

"Ridley, I challenge you... to a Smash match."

Ridley froze in terror at those two words.

_Smash match._

As soon as he heard those two words, he knew it was all over. The fire breath fizzled and died out within his throat. He dropped the Monado boy to the ground, not saying a word, and sank to his knees.

"Did someone say  _Smash match?!"_ shouted the announcer out of nowhere.

"Y-yeah..." mumbled Shulk.

The announcer took one glance at Ridley and began counting, "3... 2... 1..."

"STOP!" another voice shouted.

Ridley, Shulk and the announcer turned around to see Master Hand floating behind them. "Ridley is too big, so Shulk wins by default," he said.

Instead of being annoyed this time, the announcer let out a sigh of relief.

GAME!" he said. "And the winner is..."

Shulk struggled to lift himself off the ground. He managed to get onto his knees, but collapsed as soon as he regained his balance.

"...Shulk," finished the announcer, seeming rather concerned. "Shulk, are you okay over there?"

No response.

"Shulk?"

Master Hand floated over to Shulk. "He's unconscious. I'll carry him back to the mansion. RIDLEY!"

Ridley shrank back at the sound of Master Hand calling his name. "W-WHAT IS IT?"

"You have tried on multiple occasions to cause injury to my Smashers."

"UH... I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

"You know full well what I'm talking about. First, you attacked Samus, then you went after Captain Falcon, now you're going after Shulk. And I'm sure there are plenty others."

"WELL I- I DIDN'T MEAN TO-"

"RIDLEY!"

"Y-YES...?"

"YOU'RE BANNED FROM THE MANSION GROUNDS!" Master Hand slapped Ridley across the face with such force that he went blasting off. It wasn't long before he was nothing more than a twinkle in the sky.

"AND I MEAN IT FOR REAL THIS TIME!" he added, just in case Ridley decided to try and come back.

He then gently lifted Shulk into the palm of his hand and floated back to the mansion. The announcer followed behind him, but not before picking up the small orb of light on the ground.

 _Hope Shulk doesn't mind if I keep this,_ he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ridley's memes just keep circulating through the mansion.
> 
> For all you readers out there, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read this story! I have a question for you. Do you feel like the story is moving too slowly? Please leave a comment and tell me how you feel about it, I don't want this story to be a slog.


	9. Get Well Soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shulk wakes up in the infirmary, and he is told he has to rest a week before he can fight again. The only problem is, the tournament starts up in a week...

Shulk woke up in a white bed. Strange. He sat up and looked around.

This was not his beautiful room. This was not his beautiful wife.

For starters, his bedsheets were maroon, not this chalk white that hurt his eyes. (Looking around the room, he saw that the walls were the same sterile white too. Blegh.) Second, there were only two beds in his room, not ten. Third, his room was not this clean. He did pride himself on being at least  _slightly_ organized, but not to an OCD extent like he was seeing.

Also, he didn't have a wife. Maybe later.

Dr. Mario walked into the room and saw that Shulk was now sitting up in bed. "Ah, you're finally awake," he said.

Shulk stared at him with an empty look, then finally realized where he was. "...How long was I passed out?"

"Not too long, only about eight hours."

Wait for it...

 _"Eight-"_  Shulk tried to jump out of the bed, but the doctor held him down. "Hey! What are you doing?!"

"You still need to rest your body. Some of your muscles have been strained pretty badly."

"B-but!"

"It could have been worse, you know. Most main characters stay out for a day at the least."

Shulk tried to struggle against Dr. Mario's hold, but failed. He raised his leg up, getting ready to kick the doctor's hands away- then suddenly, his leg seized up. Excruciating waves of pain radiated through his legs. He gripped the sides of the bed, hoping it would help with the pain.

He remembered now. He had felt something "pop" in his legs earlier in the morning, but the rush of adrenaline- and the driving force of fear- had made him push that feeling to the side. Now, he felt the full brunt of the pain, and it  _hurt._

"Shulk, don't make this harder on yourself." said the doctor calmly, still holding Shulk down. "The more you resist, the longer you're going to be here."

That was enough to make him stop moving around. He relaxed his legs a little, but still kept a tight hold on the sides of the bed.

"Thank you. Now, I'm going to go get my pills. Just stay where you are, okay?"

Shulk nodded. The doctor glanced at him one last time, then turned around and went out of the room. There was a soft creaking as he opened the door, then a click as he closed it.

An awkward silence came over the room in the doctor's absence.

Shulk felt a strong urge to sneak out, but he didn't dare move just in case his legs started acting up again.

"...You, too?" he heard a familiar voice say.

"Huh?"

"You seem to end up here a lot."

Shulk sat up slowly so his legs wouldn't hurt as much. Sitting in the bed across from him was a blonde woman with a mask covering her mouth. He frowned, recognizing who it was.

"Oh, it's you."

"I don't intend on starting an argument here," Sheik said, shaking her head. "Only conversation."

"There's nothing to talk about," replied Shulk. "Conversation over."

"...The weather is nice."

"I don't want to talk."

"I understand if you don't want to talk," Sheik countered, "but we're the only two here. There are no games, no books, no phones. There's not much to do but talk."

"That doesn't mean I want to talk."

"But don't you want to take your mind off the pain?"

As much as he hated it, Shulk did have to agree with her.

"...How did you get here, anyway?" he finally asked.

"Er..." She pulled at her mask, as if it would help hide her embarrassment. "It's so silly, though..."

"Oh, come on. I thought you wanted to talk."

"I... got into a ninja fight with Greninja. I said something I shouldn't have." She paused, then quickly tried to change the subject. "Why are you here again?"

"What did you say to Greninja?"

"Um, I said we should nerf him again... Anyway! How did you get here?"

"Ridley destroyed my room and tried to kill me," Shulk said casually.

"Uh..."

"He hates me. He doesn't like anyone except Sakurai, really, but I think he really hates me." Shulk looked up at the ceiling. "It's a meme thing. You wouldn't understand."

"Don't bring the meme thing up again."

"You're just jealous because you're non-memelord scum."

"Whatever." She said nothing more to him, feeling offended.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Dr. Mario walked back into the infirmary, a troubling look on his face.

"Is something wrong?" Sheik asked.

"Well..." he began, wringing his hands. He glanced at them both, then at the ground, before continuing. "I've run out of pills, I'm afraid."

"What?!"

Shulk sat up quickly in bed, but pain shot through his legs again. He laid down, much more slowly than he had sat up.

"I'm not going to get another shipment of pills until next week, either. You're going to have to heal the old-fashioned way: getting lots of rest."

There was a moment of silence as the doctor's words sank in. Next week... Shulk's eyes widened as he realized what the doctor meant. Sheik looked away from the doctor, feeling disappointed.

"Next week? B-but that's when the tournament starts!" said Shulk.

"Sorry, but... if you don't heal by then, you can't participate."

Shulk said nothing back. He had a sinking feeling that he wouldn't heal in time for the tournament.

* * *

"Dr. Mario, can I get up now?"

"It's been five minutes since you used the bathroom. No, you can't."

Shulk fidgeted in the bed. His legs were now covered in bandages and propped up on a pillow, and there was a bag of ice on each leg. So far, it hadn't done anything to ease the pain.

"But it's supper time now."

"I'll bring some food to you, don't worry."

Shulk rolled on his side, making the bags of ice slide off his legs. When the doctor left, he was going to sneak out.

"And don't try to sneak out," the doctor added. "If you do, it'll only take longer for you to heal."

Shulk rolled onto his back again. Dr. Mario replaced the bags of ice, then left the room.

"...The weather is nice," Sheik began.

"Shut up."

* * *

The next morning, Captain Falcon and Ness came to the infirmary with presents.

Captain Falcon gave Shulk a family size bag of Doritos and a liter bottle of Mountain Dew. "For you," he said.

"Thanks, bruh."

Ness gave Shulk a crappy-looking get well soon card. "Read it," he said.

On the cover of the card was a crayon drawing of three stick figures: one small one with a cap, one regular one with a sword, and one tall one with an added ten-pack and biceps. They seemed to have their arms draped over each others' shoulders. Shulk identified them as Ness, himself, and Falcon. He opened the card.

_even if you miss the tournament_

_itll be okey_ **YES!**

_(platonic) love,_

_ness_   **& CAPTAIN FALCON**

Shulk couldn't help but feel his heart warm a little at the card. "Aw, thanks guys."

"No prob," replied Falcon.

They all exchanged bromantic glances, closing in on each other for a totally platonic hug- when suddenly there was a loud  _BLARE!_  from the card. Shulk practically jumped out of his skin.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about the airhorn," said Ness, making it sound like he totally didn't forget.

* * *

"Can I get up  _now,_ Dr. Mario?"

The doctor crossed his arms, feeling his frown deepen just a little. He understood that Shulk was getting restless after being confined to a bed for so long. But he didn't need to keep asking the same question over and over and over again.

 _...Sheik had not been this annoying,_  he thought.

"It's been three days now. And my legs are starting to feel better."

He wasn't lying. It might have been the ice numbing him, but the pain in his legs was beginning to feel more like a dull afterthought.

"I want you to stand up slowly," Dr. Mario finally decided. "Just like when you go to the bathroom, okay? You too, Sheik."

"Yasss!" Within a few seconds, Shulk was on his feet.

"Slowly-!"

All of a sudden, Shulk felt light-headed as the blood rushed away from his brain. He wasn't used to standing up this fast. His legs started shaking, feeling weak and ready to give in. Just before he collapsed, he felt someone at his side holding him up.

"I told you, you bum. You have to stand up  _slowly."_

It was Dr. Mario, who seemed to be reaching his limit with Shulk's stupidity. Once Shulk regained his balance, he let go and went over to help Sheik.

"Alright, it's lunch time now. You both can go to the cafeteria today- but take it easy, okay?"

While the two patients walked out of the room, the doctor called after them, "And come right back to the infirmary when you're done! And if your legs suddenly feel weak or you suddenly feel pain, just rest up a bit!"

The patients kept walking, not even looking back at the doctor.

"Are you two even listening..." he sighed.

* * *

With every passing day leading up to the tournament, the atmosphere in the cafeteria grew more and more excited. Smashers found themselves talking a little louder or faster than normal. Others felt like they had had a cup of sugar. Still others started indulging in gossip and rumors.

"I hear that Sheik might not be in the tournament this month..."

"Oh, thank gods! She's like, a killing machine. I wouldn't survive a minute against her..."

"I bet you 500 gold coins Fox's going to win this time."

"Looks like I'm getting 500 gold coins, then."

"Diddy is gonna wipe the floor with everyone. I'm sure of it."

"Don't be so confident, man. He's been nerfed since then."

Caught up in the buzz of excitement, Shulk couldn't help but get excited himself. Not only was he hyped for the tournament itself, but if he was lucky, he could defeat a few memelords on the side too. That is, if he managed to heal up before then.

"To be honest, I just want to know who's fighting this time..." Captain Falcon commented, putting his legs up on the table.

Shulk stared off into space, letting his mind move on to other things. Soon, the participants this month would be announced, and the hype would reach critical mass.

He hoped he could heal up before then.

* * *

Sheik left the infirmary before Shulk did.

She was more physically fit than he was; after all, she was a fighter built for speed. Plus, after being in three Smash. Bros. games, she was probably used to getting beat up like this. In just four days, she had healed completely, and was free to return to her usual room.

On the other hand, Shulk was more accustomed to sitting in a dark room and fiddling with gadgets (and going on the Internet). "Working out" wasn't really a part of his vocabulary. Running from Ridley was the most exercise he'd had in a while, and that had left him completely worn out. Now that he thought about it, it was a wonder he had such toned abs.

"Are your legs feeling better today?" the doctor asked, walking into the room.

Shulk stayed silent for a moment. Tomorrow was the day the participants would be announced, so it was now or never. He moved his leg, and felt soreness as the muscles stretched.

It wasn't completely healed, but it would do. Hopefully.

 _But wait!_ went his conscience.  _Dr. Mario said that you have to wait until your muscles are completely healed before you can fight again, remember! Otherwise you might end up pulling your muscles again and making it worse!_

 _...I want to participate in the tournament, though,_ thought Shulk, fighting his conscience.

_You shouldn't lie to the good doctor, either!_

_I want to be in the tournament!_

_Lying is naughty and bad. And you know what happens to bad and naughty children..._

_...They get put in the Pear Wiggler to atone for their crimes._

_You see what I mean?_

_Yeah..._

For a second, Shulk was about ready to follow his conscience and do the right thing, but suddenly Shia LaBeouf appeared in his mind.

"DO IT!" Mental Shia LaBeouf shouted. "JUST DO IT!"

"Don't let your dreams be dreams! Yesterday you said tomorrow, so JUST DO IT!" he continued, pacing around and making weird gestures. "MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!"

Mental Shia LaBeouf was right. If he wanted to be in the tournament, Shulk should do what he had to to get there. He shouldn't let his dreams be dreams, he should JUST DO IT!

"Shulk? I asked you a question," Dr. Mario said.

"Oh!" Shulk jumped a little, having forgotten that the doctor was there. "Yeah, I'm good. In fact, my legs don't hurt at all anymore!" he added, putting on a smile.

"Good! That's good," the doctor replied. "Let me just take the bandages off your legs, and then you'll be free to go."

The doctor went over to Shulk's bed, removed the bags of ice on him, then unwrapped the bandages from his legs. "Alright, you can go now. I think Master Hand already repaired your room, so you can go there now."

"Okay, thanks," said Shulk, and then he walked out the door, feeling great.

Even still, he had this nagging feeling...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shulk, don't do it. I know your inner Shia LeBeouf motivated you, but you really shouldn't do it this time. You might end up getting hurt again.
> 
> Not as much humor this chapter, sorry.


	10. Hunger Games Simulator 2K15 (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The participants for the monthly tournament are chosen, and then the participants split up to train and prepare.

When Master Hand called for a morning assembly, usually the Smashers would all moan and groan about it, then drag themselves over to the auditorium. Even if it was just delaying the inevitable, they would walk as slowly as possible, complaining all the way. The slower it took them to get there, the better.

Today was one of those exceptions to the rule. The Smashers had practically assembled themselves like the Avengers. People charged into the auditorium and took up the front seats quicker than you could say "Spiders Georg." Anyone caught dragging their feet was immediately urged to walk faster.

"Hurry up!"

"Aren't you excited?"

"Yeah, but..."

"Then come on!"

Zelda was dragging Samus along with such force she thought her arm might actually come off. Yes, she was excited, but did they really have to walk this fast? They went down the stairs, down hallway after hallway, and finally through the doors of the auditorium. It was only then that the princess let go of her.

"We have to get a front seat!" Zelda whispered loudly.

"...All the front seats are taken, Zel." It was true. There were no spaces at the front, at least not two seats next to each other.

"See, this is why I wanted you to hurry up!"

She took Samus's arm again ( _not again,_ Samus thought) and dragged her through the rows, looking for somewhere to sit. Finally, they found two empty seats in the third row, behind Jigglypuff and Kirby. They were pretty short, short enough to see over, so it was a good spot. Once they had sat down, Zelda folded her hands in her lap and stared intently at the stage.

Now all that was left to do was wait for everyone else. It didn't take that long, everyone was clamoring for a close-up seat. Not long after they had sat down, Master Hand floated onto the stage, taking the podium.

"Ahem." The noise echoed throughout the entire auditorium, and all the Smashers fell silent at the sound. When he felt that it was quiet enough, Master Hand began to speak.

"I'm sure you all know why I have called you here," he said. "Today, I will be announcing the participants of the 8th Monthly Super Smash Brothers 4 Tournament." He paused a moment to clear his throat again, then continued. "This month, at Crazy Hand's insistence, the tournament will be conducted in the style of the Hunger Games."

There were a few confused murmurs from the crowd.

"There are, traditionally, twelve pairs from each District. However, in order to accommodate the large number of Smashers, sixteen pairs have been chosen. The teams are as follows: Lucario and Mewtwo, Kirby and Ness, Shulk and Samus..."

Zelda laid a dainty hand on Samus's shoulder and smiled. Samus smiled back at her. She glanced down the row at Shulk, who was also being congratulated by his friends.

"...Sheik and Greninja, Dark Pit and King Dedede..."

After Samus heard her name announced, she stopped paying attention to the announcements. After all, Master Hand would probably put up the list of Smashers on the bulletin board. Meanwhile, Zelda kept staring at the stage, waiting for her name to be called.

"...Marth and Falco, and last but not least, Robin and Jigglypuff."

Zelda sighed. "It's okay," Samus said in her best reassuring voice.

"I know."

"As for the rules of the tournament..." Master Hand continued. "In the style of the Hunger Games, the tournament will be a free-for-all. You are free to team up with as many people as you want, whether they be from your district or not. However, there will be a Super Smash Brothers twist.

"Instead of actually killing each other, you will have a set amount of stamina. When your stamina is depleted, you will be removed from the battlefield and eliminated from the tournament. The last participant standing will be declared the winner, and will receive a reward of 10,000 gold coins.

"You have the weekend to prepare, and the tournament will start on Monday. I wish all of you good luck. You are all dis-"

There was a small "ahem" from behind the auditorium curtain. Master Hand stopped his speech and turned around.

"Crazy..." he whispered. "Do I _really_ have to say it?"

"Mm-hmm."

"You believe it is an absolute necessity?"

"Mm-hmm."

"But... why?"

"You gotta."

Master Hand turned back around and cleared his throat again. "Happy Hunger Games... and may the odds be ever in your favor. You are all dismissed."

And with that, the assembly ended. The unusual silence that had settled over the Smashers was slowly broken, as they filed out of the auditorium and began to whisper excitedly.

* * *

_Hey, Shulk._

_Yeah, what?_

_It's dangerous to go alone. Take me?_

_T-that's a weird way to put it._

_Er... weird or not, I think we'll be better off working together. Right?_

_...Sure, why not._

Robin and Shulk stood awkwardly in the Wii Fit Studio. The Battlefield had been reserved by another group, so they had to take what they would get.

"Sooo... Training," Robin suggested, looking at the ceiling.

"Yeah."

"Any ideas?"

"You're the tactician here."

"I guess you have a point. Hm..."

"Well..." Shulk put his hand to his chin and tapped his foot thoughtfully. "Learning what everyone else is going to do would help."

"Everyone else is probably doing that too, though."

"I know, but that's all I've got for now."

"Back to square one?"

"I guess so."

Again, they stood there awkwardly. Robin hated to shoot down Shulk's idea like that (honestly, it was a good idea), but they needed to get some sort of advantage. Some sort of edge over the others. And doing what everyone else did wasn't going to get that advantage.

"Where are we going to be fighting?" Robin asked.

"I'm not really sure. It'd have to be a pretty big stage."

"Gaur Plain, maybe?"

"Maybe, but..." Shulk scrunched his face. "There's no place to hide. I don't think we'd go there."

"Ugh."

They kept going back and forth like that for a minute, one of them tossing out an idea, and the other turning it down. It seemed like they would get nothing done- then suddenly, Robin had a plot-convenient revelation.

"I've got it. Let's fight."

"Wait, what?"

Robin took out his Levin Sword and tome and pointed the sword at Shulk. "Fight me!"

"Uh, sure."

Shulk brandished his own sword, and then the two swordsmen charged at each other.

* * *

Zelda sighed, slowing down her walking pace. Samus slowed down with her.

"If you really want to, you can take my place," she said.

"No no no, it's fine," Zelda replied quickly. "I'm fine, really."

"Liar. You keep sighing like that."

Zelda stopped walking, and Samus stopped as well. "Really, I'm fine!" she insisted.

Samus looked at the flyer in her hand, then at Zelda, then back at the flyer. She then folded the flyer in half and whacked Zelda over the head with it.

"Ouch!" Zelda pouted while she held the top of her head. "What was that for!"

"I told you already, you're not Elsa. If you have feelings, you can tell me about them."

The princess opened her mouth a few times, but no response came out of her mouth. That gave Samus enough time to come up with a better response.

"Do we need to go shopping for dresses again?"

"...No, it's okay. Actually," Zelda said, finally getting out of her slump, "It's not the tournament. I'm fine just supporting from the sidelines. And shouldn't you be training now?" she tried to change the subject.

"Hm? Oh, yeah. I'll go to the hub room and see if one of the stages are open."

"That's all?"

"...What?"

"You're not going to train with Shulk?" Zelda hinted.

"I mean, if he's by himself, then sure."

Zelda wasn't satisfied with Samus's answer, but she probably wasn't going to get more out of her. She decided, then, that it was time to leave. "I guess I'll be going, then. Have fun, Samus."

"Bye."

The princess turned around to go her own way, leaving Samus to continue down the hallway on her own. She walked to the end of the hallway and pushed open the doors to the hub room.

For the most part, the hub room was dark inside. The only sources of light were eight platforms faintly glowing blue, a touch screen standing on a podium, and a larger screen above the podium. Samus scrolled through stages on the touch screen to see if Shulk was there already.

When she scrolled to the Wii Fit Studio stage, she saw two icons of Shulk and Robin pop up on the touch screen along with a sign. "Reserved," the sign read. She looked up to the bigger screen to see Shulk and Robin clashing swords over and over again. Robin seemed intensely focused on Shulk, who looked like he was having a little trouble fighting back.

"...Oh. Oh well."

Samus didn't mind too much. She was used to fighting by herself, anyway. She scrolled to the Pyrosphere stage on the touch screen and selected it for training. One of the platforms suddenly glowed much brighter. She stepped onto the platform and warped off to train alone.

* * *

"Back Slash!"

"Augh!"

 _THUNK!_ Robin slammed into the mirror wall from Shulk's surprise attack. As soon as he recovered, he prepared to launch a counterattack.

"Thoron!"

He fired off his magical kamehameha of death, but Shulk saw it coming and dodged it like a boss. Before Robin could attack again, the Monado boy had grabbed him by the collar and pinned him to the mirror wall. He pressed the sword to Robin's neck, making him squirm a little.

"Scales were tipped," quipped Shulk.

"Alright... you win," Robin finally said.

"Whew!"

Shulk lowered his sword and fell on his back, breathing heavily. Robin let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and relaxed.

"Y'know, you're actually... a pretty good fighter," Shulk managed between breaths. "I thought for sure... you were going to win."

Robin slumped down along the wall until he was sitting. "You really... think so?"

"Yeah."

"T-thanks," Robin stuttered.

For a few moments, they both just lay in their respective places, trying to catch their breath. There was silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Robin took the opportunity to think about the match and what exactly went wrong.

He didn't understand it. Robin had long-range attacks to hold close-range fighters at bay, he was supposed to have the upper hand against a swordsman like Shulk. But somehow, he had still managed to back him into a corner. It was probably those visions of his, he decided.

Definitely not because Shulk's gorgeous face distracted him when victory was nearly in his hands. Not at all.

 _It's a good thing he's on my side now,_ he thought.

Slowly, Shulk pulled himself up to his feet, feeling his leg muscles stretch with soreness. He then held out a hand for Robin to take.

Robin reached toward Shulk's hand, but just as he was about to grab his hand, he decided otherwise and got up on his own. "...Sorry," he mumbled, dusting himself off.

"Wow, it feels hot in here. You don't mind if I take my stuff off, do you?" asked Shulk.

"No, it's fine."

"Cool." Shulk took his questionable-JRPG-fashion shirt and pants off, leaving him in nothing but his underwear. Robin took off his coat as well, but nothing more, as he felt self-conscious in front of Shulk.

"Ah, much better. It's almost like I'm wearing nothing at all!" Shulk said, using his clothes as a fan.

"...Uh."

Cue George Michael's Careless Whisper fading in in the background.

Robin glanced at Shirtless Shulk (TM) again and instantly regretted it. He pretended to wipe sweat off his face with his coat, but really he was trying not to get another look at Shulk. Unfortunately, he couldn't hold out for long. He lowered the coat from his face and got an eyeful of beautiful booty.

 _Oh no hes hot,_ Robin thought to himself. Suddenly, all he could see in his mind was the booty rocking everywhere, and it made him feel really awkward really fast. _Stupid sexy Shulk._

"Hello...?" Shulk waved his hand in Robin's face, but he didn't get any response but a blank stare.

"Robin?" Still a blank stare. "Bionis to Robin?"

Robin stared blankly for a few more seconds, then suddenly snapped out of it. Careless Whisper cut off with a record scratch. "O-oh, hi! Er... did booty something?" His face flushed. "Fudge, uh I meant... Did you need something?"

Shulk furrowed his eyebrow. Robin was acting a little strangely. "Any reason you suddenly wanted to fight?" he asked.

"Oh yeah." Robin mentally thanked Naga for saving him from any potential embarrassment. "Actually, I hadn't fought you in a real Smash battle before. I wanted to analyze your fighting style. You see..." He then went into a long-winded explanation of his new strategy, which I will not explain because I have to keep it a secret until the time is right.

After Robin finished explaining, Shulk put his hands together. "Alright, I think I got it."

Robin stood up, and Shulk stood up as well. "That's great," Robin said, smiling.

"So, see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, that'll be good."

"Well, bye then."

"Bye."

They both started walking to the warp platform in the corner, and realized they were going in the same direction.

"Well, this is awkward," joked Shulk.

Meanwhile, Robin was internally screaming. It's like when you see someone you know, and you try to give them a handshake... except they go in for a hug, and then you try to hug them, except they try to do a handshake... it's just a terrible mess of awkwardness for everyone. And since Robin maybe kinda sorta had a thing for Shulk, it was _even worse._ Robin felt like smacking himself in the face, or sinking into the ground, or jumping off a cliff, or even all of them at the same time.

Shulk and Robin took the warp platform back, and then after leaving the hub room, they finally went their separate ways for real this time. Shulk strolled casually down the hallway, to the cafeteria. Robin waited until Shulk had gone to go anywhere else. He looked around to check if no one else was in the hallway.

_...Good, no one's here._

He then started screaming "AAAAAA" and ran up the stairs and into his room, threw himself on the bed, and screamed a muffled "AAAAAA" into his pillow.

_Robin and Shulk achieved support level C._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the Hunger Games Simulator begin. Also, let the yaoi reach critical mass. I'm having way too much fun writing Shulk/Robin scenes. Someone needs to stop me before it takes over the entire plot.


	11. Hunger Games Simulator 2K15 (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let the Games begin...

Master Hand snapped his fingers, and the lights flickered on in the dark room. There were thirty-two platforms arranged in a circle. All the contestants filed into the room and stood around, waiting for instructions.

"No one is absent?" asked Master Hand. He looked around to see if there were indeed thirty-two contestants in the room, then spoke again. "Then I will explain the rules.

"For those of you still unacquainted with the Hunger Games: this is a contest of survival. Your goal is to become the last man standing by eliminating all opposing competition.

"Any method of eliminating an opponent is permissible, if it is within the usual rules of Smash. Thus, you may bring your usual weapons onto the battlefield."

Master Hand turned around and pointed right in the center of the room, in the middle of all the platforms. "More supplies will be located there at the Cornucopia.

"You have sixty seconds until the Games begin. Do not leave your platform before then or you will immediately be disqualified."

Pit raised his hand like he was in a classroom. "Like, will we blow up or something?" he asked.

"Yes, you will be incapacitated and removed from the battlefield."

Pit and a few others looked on with shock. To them, it sounded like they would actually be killed.

"Are there any other questions?"

Silence from the contestants.

"Then step onto the teleport platforms and prepare yourselves for battle. The countdown will begin shortly."

One by one, the Smashers warped above ground and into the arena. The sun was relentless and blinding, but they paid it no mind: All eyes were focused on the big horn in the center of the clearing, the Cornucopia.

Once all the contestants were in the arena, the announcer's voice came over a speaker.

"60... 59... 58..."

The anticipation was reaching insane levels. Time seemed to fly as everyone waited for the starting signal.

"...3..."

Shulk reached for the handle of his sword.

"2..."

Robin gripped his Thoron tome a little tighter.

"1..."

That one last second seemed to stretch on forever. Shulk felt a bead of sweat roll down his face.

The two partners glanced at each other, tense. Robin raised his eyebrows with a question. Shulk nodded in answer. He held his breath, and finally-

"GO!" The sound of a gong resounded throughout the arena.

"Monado... Speed!"

As the rush of adrenaline kicked in, Shulk's hearing faded out. All he could hear now was his heartbeat. He broke into a mad dash for the Cornucopia.

Someone grabbed him and threw him to the ground- _who was that_ _?-_ but he got up and kept running. He glanced at Robin. He was dashing away from the Cornucopia, into the woods. Good. If Shulk could just grab some Smart Bombs, they would be doing great.

He looked up. Captain Falcon had already reached the platform, and was grabbing all the Smart Bombs. If only he could run faster- and to make things worse, the effects of Monado Speed faded. He gritted his teeth and kept sprinting.

Someone yellow was running in his way. He took the Monado off his shoulder and swung at them.

"Back Slash!"

"Eek!"

The Smasher flew forward, then crashed to the ground face-first. Shulk used his side smash on them to finish them off, then kept running.

There was a faint cannon sound in the distance.

Shulk looked up again. Captain Falcon and Fox had gotten into a fight over the Smart Bombs. Samus got to the platform, took a Bob-Omb and threw it at them both. The Smart Bombs instantly detonated.

Three more cannons sounded. Shulk cursed in his mind. No more bombs. Samus must have blown them all up on purpose.

He was deviating from the strategy now, but he would have to get something else. _Think, think, think... I'm about five seconds away. There has to be something I can grab..._

Another cannon sound.

Shulk finally got to the Cornucopia. _Come on, think fast..._ He grabbed a backpack, a handful of Fire Flowers and two Lip's Sticks, and made a break for the woods.

* * *

Robin had gone further into the woods than Shulk had thought. There was no sign of him at all- no white hair, no black coat, nothing.

He looked up through the thick canopy, at the tiny glints of light that poked through the shield of treetops. The sun was still beating down; in fact it felt even hotter now that he was in the woods. He pulled at his shirt. It was super humid in here, and where was Robin, anyway?

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw another glint of light. It wasn't coming from the canopy this time, it was coming from the ground.

_Is that...?_

Shulk tiptoed over to the glinting light, with one hand on the Monado just in case. The light was coming from behind a small wall of shrubs. Maybe someone was trying to set up a trap...

Making as little noise as possible, he pulled the Monado off his back. The light glinted once again. Shulk burst through the shrubs and thrust the sword forward-

"TWEET TWEET!" Robin screeched out of instinct. He was crouching on the ground with his hands up, looking like a bird in the headlights.

"Oh! Sorry," Shulk said. He put his sword up, then kneeled on the ground with the tactician. Robin put a hand to his chest and let out a deep breath. Feeling a little calmer, he started to speak.

"Did you get the bombs?" he asked.

Shulk shook his head. "You heard the explosion, right?"

"Yeah."

"That was Samus. She blew up all the bombs... I think she took herself out too."

"Darn. There goes my plan."

"Sorry again."

"No, it's fine. You couldn't do anything about it," said Robin. "Did you get anything else?"

"I just grabbed the first things I saw." Shulk laid the Fire Flowers and Lip's Sticks on the ground in front of Robin. Robin surveyed the goods, then put a hand to his chin.

"We can work with this, I guess." The tactician picked up a single Fire Flower. "Steadily deplete their stamina, and if we can't finish them off, someone else will."

"Hmm."

"Did you get hit?" asked Robin.

"...I don't remember. Everything's a blur now." Shulk pulled at his shirt again. It stuck to his muggy skin for a second before finally coming off. Eww.

"Doesn't look like it," Robin said.

"I got lucky, I guess." (It was true: The power of plot armor had protected Shulk from being eliminated early on.)

The conversation trailed off at that point. Shulk and Robin were left with the constant drone of crickets and the faraway rustling of leaves. Two more cannons fired off, sounding even more distant than before.

"Let's find another hiding place and wait it out," suggested Robin. "If I counted right, seven of them got KO'd already. At this rate, there's going to be at least ten gone by tonight."

"No one's gonna find us?"

"...Hopefully not."

* * *

Meanwhile, in a dark room, a boy who loved memes sat watching Smash Channel on his TV. A bag of chips lay on his disheveled bed, but he hadn't touched it. He was too engrossed in watching the Smash game to remember he had food to eat.

He was so into it, in fact, that he didn't notice his door had been opened and his dad was poking his head in the room.

"Hey, Skyler, it's time for bed-" The father heard a cannon sound from the TV and glanced over to see. "Oh, you're watching that, uh... _Super Bash Sisters_ thing again?"

"...It's _Super Smash Brothers_ , Dad."

"Oh, I see. Sorry. Guess your old man's still not with the times, huh?"

The man looked over again and noticed a boy with blonde hair on the screen. He was running for the woods while holding some flowers.

"Oh... isn't that, uh, Shark? Shark, right?"

"Shulk."

"Ah, sorry. I was close!"

"Yeah."

"Oh, wait a second! They're playing the Hunger Games, aren't they?"

"Yeah."

"Ah, that's cool!"

And so the meme-loving boy and his out-of-touch father stayed up till the moon rose watching Smash TV.

* * *

It was getting late. The blinding sun had disappeared behind the canopy, and a crescent moon had taken its place. Shulk pushed another wall of branches aside and wiped the sweat from his forehead for the zillionth time.

"Can we stop _now?"_ he asked. "I'm pretty sure no one's going to find us here."

Robin emerged from the dark forest, his coat tied around his waist (as if that would make him any less sweaty). He surveyed the little space they had found. Shulk started to make a groaning noise, but Robin held up a hand to make him keep quiet.

No fires, no suspicious rustling, no glimmers of light. Just the moon, the canopy, and the sound of crickets.

"Yeah," Robin finally whispered. He set down the Fire Flowers and Lip's Sticks. "There's no guarantee, though. And there's the problem of hiding our things..."

Shulk plopped down on the ground. "Just leave them. No one's gonna find us, right?"

"I guess so." Robin sat down on the ground as well, but not before taking his coat off and folding it haphazardly in his lap. In a moment of silence, he realized how chilly it was and just put the coat back on.

"It's pretty cold," he said, looking up at the stars.

"Yeah," Shulk said.

"So..." Robin started twiddling his thumbs. "I was thinking... maybe we should..."

"Yeah?"

"You know, um..."

Robin put his arms around himself. Shulk didn't understand.

"Hugging ourselves?"

"No no no. I mean, like... you know..."

Robin scooted over to Shulk. He started making those weird hugging gestures like you're trying to hug this person... but they have this invisible no-touch barrier, so you can't hug them... but you still want to hug them- I think you get it now.

But Shulk had a head denser than lead and still didn't get it.

"If we sleep with our arms wide open, wouldn't we lose more body heat?"

Robin put his arms back in his own personal space. "L-like..." He let out a sigh; he didn't want to play charades with this guy. He needed to put his man pants on and spit it out.

"I think we should sleep together. As in, cuddling. The closer in proximity we are, the warmer we'll both be, so we both benefit."

Shulk just sorta looked at Robin. There he was, acting strange again.

"...Why don't we just sleep in shifts and use the Fire Flowers to stay warm?" he asked.

Robin deflated, his face beginning to go red.

"...Yeah, good idea."

"You don't look too good. Should I take watch first?"

"Sure."

"G'night, I guess."

"Goodnight."

Robin laid on his back and rolled on his side so Shulk couldn't see his tomato-red face. Shulk got up and walked back a little ways into the forest, still confused about Robin's antics. And thus the potential warm fluffy moment never happened.

As Shulk was keeping watch, the faces of the KO'd Smashers appeared in the starry night sky.

 _Pac-Man - Fox - Captain Falcon_ \- _Pikachu_ - _Wario - Jigglypuff - Little Mac - King Dedede - Duck Hunt_

He smirked seeing Mac and Cheese's face up there. Must have been another blow to his man-pride, getting eliminated before the first night was over.

 _He must've gotten too confident with his side-B again,_ Shulk thought. _What, did he KO himself at the edge of the arena or something?_

He walked around the area, a Lip's Stick grasped in his hand, and checked to see if anyone was there. So far, no one had shown up and tried to kill him, so he thought he was doing pretty good. At least, for now...

* * *

_"...So now that you've seen all the tributes in action, it's time to vote! The most popular tributes will receive Sponsor gifts tomorrow. Go to www-dot-smashtv-dot-com to vote- and kids, don't forget to get your parents' permission!"_

The father reached for the remote and switched the TV off.

"Okay, Skyler-"

"okey" the boy interrupted.

"Okay Skyler, the show is over, so now it's really time to go to bed."

"But Dad, I wanna vote!"

"Skyler..."

"Dad..."

"Skyler..."

"Daaaad..." The boy put on his best pouty face.

"...Alright, you can vote. But you're going into the bed no matter what after that."

"YES!" the boy said like Captain Falcon.

In a flash, he opened up his computer and pulled up the Smash TV site. The poll the announcer had mentioned was on the front page, reading "Who's Your Favorite Tribute?" in big bold print. Without even glancing at any of the other names, he voted for Shulk.

"I'm really feeling it," he whispered.

His dad then tucked him into bed and left. And as he laid there in the dark room, he wondered if Shulk might actually win the tournament this month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does Robin know how socially awkward he is? Yes! Will Shulk defeat any memelords in this tournament? Maybe. Will I release another chapter within a month?! ...Uh, that's a pretty good question.
> 
> Next time on I, For One, Welcome Our New Supreme Meme Overlord! "Hunger Games Simulator 2K15 (Part 3)"!


	12. Hunger Games Simulator 2K15 (Part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So far, so good in the Games. But there's a surprise waiting for Shulk and Robin at the end of the day...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter makes the Hunger Games section three chapters now. The longest arc yet! Though, this chapter is pretty short.

Luigi was watching the sun rise when he heard a rustle of leaves.

"G-gah!"

He jumped out of his skin, then looked around. It was probably just Rosalina or Mario rolling over in their sleep, but... he had to make sure. So he slowly rose from his hiding spot and walked back toward the camp site.

The two were still dozing off. Maybe he was just being paranoid, he thought. No, he was always paranoid. But it was good to be paranoid sometimes! Maybe he was just being _too_ paranoid... While debating in his mind whether or not he was being paranoid, he made his way back toward the hiding spot.

A twig snapped, and the sound was coming from not too far away.

"Ack!"

He looked down at his feet. No twigs there.

...Then, someone was here.

His legs instantly turned to jelly and he panicked. With a rapidly-dwindling amount of courage, and no items to back him up, that was all he could do. He could see a shadow on the ground, growing bigger as the man got closer...

"B-b-b-b-buh-"

_KREENG!_

His vision suddenly went black.

Luigi was sent careening straight into a tree, and the cannon went off. As he faded away, an orb of light floated gently to the floor.

"...Heh."

Dark Pit slung the Home-Run Bat over his shoulder and picked up the orb.

_You got Luigi's Death Stare! Now, either strike fear into the hearts of your enemies... or just make them feel really uncomfortable with the Weegee Stare._

_...Oh wait, you're an edgelord, not a memelord. My mistake! Just put the meme down and pretend you didn't hear voices in your head._

"What's wrong with me taking spoils from battle?" Dark Pit said, tapping his shoulder with the bat.

_Put it down and get out! Hurry, Rosalina and Mario are still back there. If you don't leave now, you'll be KO'd!_

"What, you think I'm gonna-"

Before he could finish, Mario sent Dark Pit flying straight into the tree with a Smash attack. Another cannon went off. As the dark angel disappeared, Mario blew the smoke off from his glove.

"That's-a what you get-a for killing my brother, b*$!#~~*!"

Rosalina floated behind Mario and delicately thwacked him over the head with her wand.

"Mario! We have a reputation to keep up!" she scolded him. "Do you want to drive Sponsors away from us?"

"No," he sighed. "Let's-a go."

And the two of them wandered deeper into the forest.

* * *

Robin was _supposed_ to be keeping watch, but he was starting to get sleepy again. So he wandered back to his and Shulk's camping spot and watched Shulk sleep.

 _It's nice, being able to watch him sleep like this,_ thought Robin. _He looks so peaceful. Actually, it's kinda... cute. Er, not that I- I mean-_

He snapped out of his reverie when he heard the sound of a cannon. Not long after, he heard another cannon.

_Oh no._

"Shulk, wake up. Shulk."

He started tugging on the blonde boy's jacket.

"Huh... Gimme five more minutes."

"No, you have to get up now. I heard the cannon go off twice already."

Shulk sat up and looked around, eyelids still half-closed. " 'M up," he said. "But I had some crazy dream... I was keepin' watch and you made owl noises in your sleep."

"Oh, that..." Robin gave a little nervous smile. "That was probably real."

"...Let's get goin'."

Shulk sleepily wandered back into the forest, and Robin followed.

A while passed, and no cannons had gone off yet. There was just the rustle of their footsteps in the forest and the drone of the crickets. Robin was starting to feel on edge.

"It seems quiet... almost too quiet," he said.

"Meh," Shulk replied. "I don't care, 's long as no one kills us."

"You're still talking like that? Are you still sleepy?"

"Meh. Not a morning person."

Robin sighed. "You'll have to wake up sometime, you know. Anything could happen."

"I know." Shulk yawned.

And the conversation stopped there. The silence was making both of them feel awkward, so Robin just started looking up at the canopy. Shulk let his mind slip into thought, and he remembered what happened when he was taking watch.

* * *

"Hoot hoot... hoot hoot..."

Robin's owl noises faded into silence as Shulk continued to walk through the forest. He wondered what was happening back there. Did Robin wake up? _No, probably not. It hasn't been that long, right? So then..._

Shulk felt a chill creep down his spine when he realized he had wandered too far from the camping spot. He looked back behind him. There was only the trees and the pitch-black darkness in between them. Another realization hit him. _How am I supposed to get back now?_

A glimpse of blue in the corner of his eye. The hair on the back of his neck stood up. He crept closer to the bush on his left.

A rustle of leaves.

He cut through the shrubs, Monado thrust forward.

Staring down his sword was Samus, with her blaster pointed straight back at him.

"You...!"

Blue eyes met with blue eyes. Neither of them moved to strike.

"Well?"

He could charge, but he doubted he would hit her. Samus could paralyze and KO him before he had the chance to move; he didn't need future vision to see that. So why hadn't she done it yet?

Samus lifted her chin. "Are you going to kill me or not?"

"I..."

_What should I do...?_

He ran off.

"Shulk!"

She shot at him once, but she didn't hit him and she knew it. He had disappeared into the woods before she could react.

* * *

"...Shulk?"

"Huh?"

"Are you coming or not?"

"Oh, yeah."

Shulk jogged a few feet ahead to catch up to Robin, and then they kept strolling through the forest.

"Were you thinking of something?" asked Robin.

"It wasn't really important."

"I see."

Awkward silence. Robin stole a sideways glance at Shulk, then looked to his other side.

"It's been an hour since the last cannon went off..." he said. "And we haven't done any fighting at all, either. I have a bad feeling about this."

"You keep saying that."

"I know, but..."

"The more you say that, the more you guarantee it's going to happen, you know."

"...So you're awake now?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"That's good." Robin paused. "I just..."

"Don't say it."

Finally, a cannon went off in the distance. Robin let out a small sigh.

Shulk could see something was bothering him, but he didn't exactly what to say about it. So the rest of the day passed with silence.

After an entire day without incident, the moon started to rise in the sky again, and they picked out a camping spot.

* * *

_When Shulk woke up, he was back in the park again. The rain was falling, but he didn't feel it hit his skin. Strange._

_"SKREEEEE!"_

_He looked behind him. A giant abomination that didn't look quite like Ridley screamed back at him._

_So he ran. He ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He stepped through puddles and dirt and mud, but he didn't care if his clothes got dirty. He just ran._

_In his chest, he got a sinking feeling. He stepped into a puddle- it was deeper than he thought- and he fell in._

_It should have felt cold, but warmth was enveloping him._

_"Shulk!"_

-He opened his eyes, but the forest around him still felt like a dream. And the warm sensation was still there.

"...Shulk, wake up! Shulk!"

"...Huh?"

"We have to get out of here, now!"

"Five more minutes..."

"Come on! Can't you hear it?!"

Robin grabbed Shulk by his hood and started yanking him back and forth, back and forth. It was then that he heard the snapping, popping sounds.

He looked behind him. _Fire._ It was like a hungry beast, swallowing everything in its path. And soon, it would devour _him._

Shulk leaped to his feet, but before he could take a step, the flames overtook him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Luigi. I feel guilty for eliminating him like that now... Maybe you'll win another day?


	13. He Fought For His Friends (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the tournament ends, Shulk goes back to his plan of taking all the memes for himself. In fact, he decides that to make up for his slacking, he's going to work even harder to make his dream come true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually, I'm surprised I've kept writing this fic for so long. This is like the single longest thing I have ever written. And there's (hopefully) still more to come. If I can keep up my motivation for this, that is.

_8th- Greninja_

_7th- Lucario_

_6th- Mario_

_5th- Fox_

_4th- Marth_

_3rd- Meta Knight_

_2nd- Sheik_

_1st- Samus_

_Congratulations!_

Shulk examined the results board pinned to the bulletin. Samus's name, and the _"Congratulations!",_ were written in bold, sparkling cursive, and decorated with little bits of confetti. He furrowed his eyebrows.

_I still don't get it. Why didn't she kill me that time...?_

But he didn't let his mind linger too long on that. The Hunger Games arc had ended! It was time to start goofing off again with his friends, Ness and Captain Falcon! And more importantly, it was time to get back to the plot he seemed to have forgotten for five chapters- taking over all the memes and becoming Supreme Meme Overlord!

In fact, he was going to get back to taking over memes _right now._ He turned around, sprinted to the entrance of the mansion, and slammed the doors open dramatically.

"It's time to get me some delicious, nutritious breakfast cereal memes. Cue the montage!"

Sure thing. Here we go!

* * *

...Well, not quite yet.

Master Hand was minding his own business in his office, filling out paperwork while jamming out to 90s nostalgia tunes, when the fourth wall cracked behind him. Then another crack. Then it shattered completely. Slowly, he turned to face the abyss left behind from the now-broken window. There was a faint thundering coming from inside, and the noise was growing louder and louder.

If he had a face, the look on it now would have been one of pure horror.

Within the abyss, he could hear high-pitched squealing. Those squees could only belong to two things... pigs, or...

"...Fangirls," he whispered with dread. Yes, fangirls: not the in-universe Mii girls, but ones who seemed to have come from the "real world."

Master Hand tried to patch the wall back together, but alas, it was too late. Shulk and the author's slightly meta shenanigans had loosed an unstoppable force. The screaming girls flooded his office like a stampede of mad cows, and made their way into the mansion.

* * *

"So, you wanna go fast, huh?" Sonic said, crossing his tiny skinny peach-colored arms. "Well, if you wanna go fast, you have to beat me in a race first! Ready, Knucklehead?"

In ran the Sonic Boom version of Knuckles, holding a gun. "Hey, I'm not a knucklehead!" he said. "I'm a knuckle _-_ _hand!"_

"Whoa whoa whoa is that a gun," said Shulk, pointing at Knuckles's gun.

"Oh, don't worry. It's a blank! Y'know, like the ones they use in all the races."

"C'mon, knuckle-hand. Shoot the gun already," Sonic said.

"Alright. Ready..." Knuckles pointed his gun up to the sky. "GO!" He shot the gun, and Sonic and Shulk sprinted off.

Knuckles was left to eat their dust. As he was watching them run off, a bird fell down from the sky and went SPLAT on the pavement. Knuckles looked at his gun and winced.

"It wasn't a blank..." he murmured.

Cut to Sonic and Shulk racing neck to neck. Sonic was slowly accelerating ahead of Shulk.

"Tch... I won't lose. Monado Speed!" Shulk shouted. He easily caught up to Sonic and surpassed him. Sonic actually slowed down in shock.

"N-no way! I'm the fastest thing alive!"

"But my Monado Arts are faster. Hoho!" As Shulk ran, he taunted, "I'm really feeling it!"

Sonic's face twisted into an angry scowl.

That taunt Shulk did made him McFreakin' LOSE IT (TM).

"Oh, is that how you wanna play it? Well, too bad! No more playing around!" He clenched his fists and shouted "YOU'RE TOO SLOW!"

Suddenly, Sonic was enveloped by a bright light, and a grating rendition of "Green Hill Zone" with ridiculous amounts of distortion began to play. Shulk had to cover his eyes with his arm. He tried to cover his ears, too, but he only had one hand free.

As Shulk let his arm down, he noticed that Sonic's appearance had drastically changed. He now resembled a first-grader's purposely poor attempt at a drawing in MS Paint. This was no ordinary blue hedgehog. This was Sonic's meme form, _SANIC HEGEHOG!_

"Gotta go fast!" he shouted in a distorted voice.

And with that, Sanic accelerated to ever higher velocities, surpassing Shulk in a matter of milliseconds. He was going so fast he created multiple sonic booms in his wake. He broke Mach 1, then Mach 2, then Mach 3...

Shulk stopped running, as his Monado Art had deactivated. Without it, there was no way to catch up to Sanic. All he could do now was reach out to him and hope he listened. "Sanic, don't! You don't have to go this fast!" he shouted.

But Sanic would not listen. Mach 7, Mach 10, Mach 13… He was going so fast that the sonic booms created from his XTREME SPEED began tearing down buildings. "I AM THE FASTERAST THUNG ALEVE!1 THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!1 ONE!1! I WON't LET NOONE CHAGNE THAT!"

"Please! You're going too fast!"

Mach 17, Mach 18, Mach 19- And then, for some reason, he stopped accelerating. Sanic found that he couldn't go any faster than Mach 19. At least, not in this form...

Sanic slowed down and winded to a stop. Shulk let out a breath he didn't know he was holding-

"CUM ON STEP IT UP!"

-but Shulk had relaxed too soon. Seven colored objects that vaguely resembled jewels appeared out of nowhere and spun around Sanic. Harnessing the power of the Cahos Emeroolds, he transformed into SOOPER SANIC!1!

Mach 20, Mach 25, Mach 30… The sonic booms were tearing up the ground and causing a minor earthquake. But Sooper Sanic would not stop accelerating. "THRES NO SUCH THING AS 'TOO FAS"T!1!"

"I'm being serious! Go any faster than that and you'll- you'll reach escape velocity! You'll fly off the face of the earth!"

"TIEM TO TRULLY ESCEAPE FROM TEH CITY~1!~!"

Mach 31… Mach 32… Mach… THIRTY-THREE!

Sanic had reached escape velocity! With a huge _BOOM,_ he launched up, up, and away into the atmosphere. He went so fast, he literally flew into the Sun and was burnt to a crisp. He was dead, just like his franchise. Goodnight, sweet prince; and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

An orb of blue light floated down from the sky, and it landed right in front of Shulk. He picked it up.

 _You got Sonic's meme!_ the mysterious voice said. _Now you have the ability to go faster than ever before. Your Monado Speed Art lasts longer and makes you go way faster!_

_"Noice!"_

_But don't go too fast, though. You might end up flying up, up and away and seriously not coming back._

_"Oh."_

_You also obtained Sonic's taunt. Infuriate your enemies with the ever-famous "You're too slow!"_

Shulk was actually pretty hyped about getting a taunt. Just like Smashing was SERIOUS BUSINESS, taunts were an _art form._

"Aw yis," he said.

* * *

"Oh no," said Ike. "No no no no no."

_Whoa! A horde of fangirls appeared!_

_What will Ike do?_

_Fight Convoy Pokemon RUN_

_Ike tried to run!_

_...Ike was unable to escape!_

"Ikey-chaaaaaan! Please sign my left boob!" screamed one of the fangirls, flashing her bra at him.

"No thank you," he replied as calmly as possible. He didn't sound calm at all, considering how a horde of wild fangirls was approaching him at critical speed. Slowly, he tried to back away, but...

"Tracy, you get his left leg! Fanning, you get his right! Connor, get his arms!"

_Fangirls used Bind!_

"Hey! Let go!"

_Ike used Struggle!_

He fought and kicked against their grip, but it was no use. When the fangirls set their sights on spicy swordsman Ike, their strength was multiplied a thousandfold. And his resistance only made their grip harder.

"Dear gods, help me," he cried. In another universe with a better grip on reality, he might have been able to break free from the girls' (and guy's) grip. But this is a story where everyone acts out of character and defies logic for the sake of humor.

In other words, they had gotten him.

* * *

"Hoo... hah!"

Down throw, up air. Shulk was sent flying off screen at 100%. Before he was KO'd though, he shouted, "Hey! No hoohah-ing, that's cheating!" Then he hit the TV screen and slid down.

In response, Diddy Kong just did his up taunt.

"Didn't you say this was an unrestricted battle between memes?" Donkey Kong said. "So we can do what we want!"

"Yeah, but that was supposed to work to _my_ advantage!"

As Shulk came back to the stage on the floating platform, he grumbled about overrated top-tier fighters.

"I'll show you!" he shouted, dropping down onto the stage. "Monado... Buster!"

"You think you can beat the DK Crew? Hah!" DK said. He charged at Shulk, and they began their fight again. For a few moments, it seemed like Shulk was going to lose his last stock within the minute- but he had other plans.

"Oh, but I have a trick up my sleeve! . _..Time to tip the scales!"_ he said in an echoey voice. His body inexplicably began to glow with the light of plot convenience. Somehow, his strength and speed had increased.

"What is this strange new power?" DK said. "Well, it doesn't matter. My final move will blow your stocks off!" He got into a crouching stance and strained like he was constipated.

"Super Xtreme... Coconut Gun Cream Pie Shower... EXPAAAAND DOOONG!"

Donkey Kong fired a giant white laser from his area down south- but Shulk dodged it just in time! He got in a few combos on the Kongs with his Buster Art still activated. Then, he switched to Monado Smash and sent them flying off screen.

"GAME!" shouted the announcer. "And the winner is..."

"I got through that pretty good!" Shulk said, striking a pose.

"...Shulk!"

As Donkey and Diddy Kong clapped on the side of the screen, an orb materialized in front of them and came floating over to Shulk. He picked the orb up, only to hear the voice in his head belting out the DK Rap.

_He has no style, he has no grace. This Kong has a funny face! He can stand on his hands when he needs to, and st-_

"Hello?"

_Is it me you're looking for?_

"Yep."

_I can see it in your eyes. Alright, cool, cool. ...You got Donkey and Diddy Kong's memes! Now you, too, can expand dong. Shoot laser beams out of your crotch (but please, keep it safe for work!)._

_You also got the Hoo-hah combo! Down throw/up air your enemies into oblivion! Don't spam it, though. You might get nerfed._

"Nice!" Shulk said. And he ran off, hoping to conquer one last memelord before the chapter ended.

* * *

"Hey guys, you know what I'm really feeling today?"

"What?"

"I wanna go to a fine coffee establishment and spend way too much money."

"Okay."

"Oh, cool!" said Captain Falcon. "I wanted to show you guys my new ride anyway."

"Wait, what? You gave up the Blue Falcon?"

"Heck no! I just got another car. Here, follow me." He stood up and walked into the doorway, motioning with his hand. Shulk and Ness got up and followed him.

They walked out of the lounge room, out and around to the back of the mansion, and into the garage. Falcon stopped in front of a car, but it was dark inside, so Shulk and Ness could only see a silhouette.

Then, a spotlight came on and lit up the garage. Ride of the Valkyries began to play in the background.

"That's..." began Ness.

"...The Magic School Bus?!" finished Shulk.

"Yup!"

"But how did you get it?"

"Ms. Frizzle had a backup Magic Hyundai." Falcon nodded enthusiastically. "Anyway, what are you waiting for? Let's get messy!"

They all got into the bus and saw a young boy of Hispanic origin sitting in the back seat.

"Uh, who's that again?"

"Carlos. He came with the bus," said Falcon, acting as if this whole thing was completely normal. "Don't tell him anything that could be turned into a pun, he makes terrible jokes."

"I guess I can just _tell_ when a pun's good!" said Carlos.

"CAAARLOS!" they all shouted. With that gag aside, Falcon started the car and they did their weird little musical number thing.

"My Little Pony, My Little Pony, what will today's adventure be?" They were singing the old My Little Pony song because they were hipsters who liked MLP before G4. Besides, the old My Little Pony was way better.

3... 2... 1... BLAST OFF!

Captain Falcon slowly backed out of the garage and drove like a normal person to their establishment of choice, the Cosmic Dollar. The Cosmic Dollar was a good place to pop some cash (but not if you only had twenty dollars in your pocket). One needs a bit of class when attending a fine coffee establishment that's even more overpriced than Starbucks, after all.

That didn't stop them from belting out "WHAT IS LOVE?!", though.

* * *

"Hey, Shulk?" began Captain Falcon as they walked into the coffee shop. "I'm gonna have to leave after I get my drink. Got a party to go to tonight. Hulu and relaxation."

"Oh, sounds cool! Can I come?"

"Sorry, man. I don't think they're letting anyone else in."

"Oh."

"I gotta leave, too," added Ness. "Lucas is coming today so I wanted to do a little something for him, too. ...Just me and him. Sorry."

"Okay."

Shulk said that, but he felt a little disappointed. It seemed like everyone was going to a party today, and he wasn't invited. And they both had to leave on the day he got to hang out with them, fot the first time in forever.

"Excuse me sirs. Are you ready to order?" asked the cashier. Shulk broke out of his reverie and fell in line behind Ness and Falcon.

A beautiful young man with beautiful blue hair took their order, except the cap on his head made him look even more feminine than he already seemed. Thank goodness his voice sounded like a young man, or else I would have to make an "it's a trap" joke.

"Super ultra Mocha latte FrappuCappucino with a dash of pumpkin mega espresso chocolate chip cookie Blizzard supreme... deluxe?" the cashier asked. "That would be 8799 gold coins."

Ness winced for a split second- then he remembered his dad's credit card. He took the card out of his backpack and handed it to the cashier.

"Thank you." Ness left the line, then Falcon went up to the front.

"Can I get a large mocha, decaf?"

"Yes, sir. That's 3999."

Falcon handed the money to the cashier, then walked over to the side with Ness. Not soon after, they had their drinks.

"See you, Shulk," they both said, and then they left the Cosmic Dollar and went their separate ways. Shulk walked to the register, feeling a little lonely.

"Hello, sir. How may I help you?"

"Can I get a shot of espresso with some extra whipped cream, hold the penguins? And a cheeky Nando's?"

"Of course, sir. That would be 8999 gold coins."

"...8999?"

"Yes, sir."

Shulk slammed his hands down on the counter. The shop became significantly more quiet.

"It doesn't cost enough," he growled.

"Sir, I don't think I understand."

"This is supposed to be a fine coffee establishment, right? Right?!"

"Uh, yes sir."

"Then it should cost more than that!"

"Sir, I thought you wouldn't want to spend more on coffee..."

"This is supposed to be better than Starbucks, right! Starbucks coffee costs 9000 gold coins! This should cost over 9000!"

"Um, sir, if it makes you that angry, then you could always leave a tip."

"You just don't get it, do you. It doesn't really cost over 9000 that way."

"Sir, please." The cashier looked nervously behind Shulk. "There's a line."

"I will not back down until you raise the price!"

"Our prices were carefully chosen to reflect the quality of our coffee while balancing affordability for customers. Raising the price would compromise that balance, sir." He looked behind Shulk again. The line had gotten longer.

"You lost me at 'our'. Now make me pay over 9000!"

"Sir, it doesn't work that way! Please pay for your coffee and leave already!"

"Fight me!"

"Now would not be the best time... J-just pay already! 8999! Other people want to get coffee too, you know!"

Shulk pulled the Monado off his back. "FIGHT ME!"

"Someone, help! This man is harassing me!"

There was a cold blast of air as the doors to the Cosmic Dollar slammed open. All heads snapped round to look at the entrance in surprise.

Standing in the doorway was another blue-haired man. His clothes were torn, showing off his ripped biceps and impressive man boobs, or moobs. He had a chicken leg in one hand and a giant sword in the other. He looked between his chicken and sword for a bit, then pointed his chicken leg toward Shulk.

"So I heard you were harassing my friend," Ike said.

"Yeah. You gonna do something about it?"

" 'Course." Ike took a big bite out of his chicken leg and pointed it at Shulk again. "Quit trying to get Marth to raise the price."

"No. I will not rest until the Cosmic Dollar is more expensive than Starbucks!"

"If you want something more expensive, buy something more expensive, you dolt!"

"Never! Not until you beat me in a match!"

"Is that how it is?"

Shulk nodded.

"Well then. Marth, hold my chicken." He tossed his chicken to the cashier, and the cashier caught it.

"Make him bite the dust, friend. I have your chicken," Marth said.

"I am Ike, minor memelord and master of c-ca-mayo... Camera... Derriere... Camaraderie! Yeah, that word. And I will not let you continue to threaten my friend like that!"

"I'm Shulk, future Supreme Meme Overlord, and I'm _really feeling it!"_ Shulk got into a fighting stance with his Monado. "I challenge you to a _d-d-dduel!"_

They charged for each other, weapons at the ready.

* * *

The battle seemed pretty evenly matched. Ike's swings were powerful, but slow. Shulk without his Monado Speed was just fast enough to avoid getting hit. He would try to counter Ike with a combo, but he just blocked the strikes with his Ragnell. Surprising, considering how long it took Ike to swing.

Shulk and Ike swung at the same time. Sparks flew as their swords clashed together.

"You're pretty good for a newcomer," Ike managed through gritted teeth. The swords broke contact and then clashed again.

"For a veteran, you're not as good as I thought." Shulk replied.

"Are you trying to insult me?"

"Oh, of course not." Shulk grinned.

"Well, YOU'RE INSULTING ME!"

Ike broke contact to use a Smash attack. Shulk countered, but the follow-up attack was too slow. Ike took advantage and threw his neutral punch, making Shulk spin back.

They stood at opposite sides of the shop again, each waiting for the other to make a move.

"Trying to play mind games now?" Ike said. "Getting overconfident, aren't we?"

"Don't think you've won just 'cause you punched me once!" And they charged again. Sword clashed with sword again and again, and they were still evenly matched.

However, as the fight wore on, they grew tired, Ike moreso than Shulk. His sword was too heavy to keep fighting forever. Finally, Shulk was able to hit him without Ragnell in the way, and Ike was swinging even slower than before.

"I... can't..." Ike breathed. Suddenly-

"Minna, miteite kure!" cried the voice of a beautiful bishonen.

All heads turned toward Marth, who had taken his work clothes off.

He now had on a bright pink leotard with blue polka dots, a frilly orange tutu, green and red-striped tights, and teal pointe shoes. It was the most outlandish outfit Shulk had ever seen, and he couldn't take his eyes off it.

"Sekai de ichiban ouji-sama, sou iu atsukai kokoroeteeee..." Marth sang as he leaped gracefully around, doing the occasional twirl and hollering. "...Yo ne!" As he finished, he did a bow. Marth's attention-grabbing mating dance was over.

"...Surprise! HYAH!"

"Gah!" Shulk got blown away by Ike's charged neutral-B. As he recovered, Ike charged at him again, this time with renewed strength, and they swung swords at each other again. Shulk retreated into his mind.

 _I don't want to fight anymore,_ he thought. He was tired of this already. This section was stretching on and on and he just wanted to go back to the mansion and hang out with his friends again... The frustration he was feeling suddenly came to an exploding point.

"Time to tip the scales!" he shouted.

On hearing those words, Ike's eyes went wide.

_T-that's Robin's...!_

There was no more time to think. Shulk activated Monado Smash, and with one mighty swing of his sword, launched Ike directly into the wall. But the other swordsman emerged from the cloud of smoke, still swinging. Shulk knocked Ike down once more, just for good measure.

Shulk's clothes were torn, but Ike was even more torn up. His shirt was completely gone, there was dirt all over his pants, his face was drenched in sweat. It was rather easy to see who was winning the battle. But Ike refused to surrender. Yelling "FOR MY FRIENDS!", he made one last charge at Shulk.

"A vision..." Shulk easily countered. "I see it!"

"Gyaah!" Ike slammed into the wall again and slid down.

"Do you give up?"

"...Yeah, you win." Ike looked up at Shulk. "For a minor memelord, you sure are strong..."

"Actually, I thought you would be a lot stronger. With the power of friendship and all."

"Huh. Maybe I wasn't truly fighting for my friends, then. Was I perhaps... doing it for myself?" He looked up at the ceiling introspectively. "I suppose you can have this, then... I don't deserve it anymore."

Ike lifted his arm toward the ceiling, and an orb of light materialized in his limp hand. He tossed the orb at Shulk and he caught it.

 _You got Ike's meme!_ said the voice in Shulk's head. _Now you can defeat your enemies by fighting for your friends (as if you didn't do that already...)! You reached support rank C with Captain Falcon and Ness, and your support levels with everyone will rise faster._

"Oh. Nice!"

"I'm glad you like it," Ike said, thinking Shulk was talking to him. Then his outstretched arm fell limp to the ground, and his eyes glazed over as if he was trying to go into the light.

Marth rushed over to his friend's side. "No, friend! Don't go into the light!"

"But I've been so selfish all this time... I've lost the power of friendship. I guess this is my punishment..."

"Ike, please _don't go_ _!"_

"My time is now, Marth. I'm afraid I must go..." And he closed his eyes, as a piano in the background began to play the sad violin song.

Marth let out a choked sob. "Ike!" He threw himself over the buff man's dead body and let his sparkly bishie tears out.

"I... I never got to tell you... I- I..."

Even Shulk felt tears welling in his eyes, and he was the one who killed him. "I'm sorry..." he murmured.

"...I never actually returned your VHS tapes to Brickbuster. That's why... we had to pay so much money that day..."

And in the background, sappy violins joined the line piano and the music swelled. Everyone in the ruined coffee shop simultaneously burst into tears.

Zoom out to a view of the outside of the Cosmic Dollar, with the sunset on the city's horizon, as the camera fades to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting a little depressing here in Supreme Meme Overlord (SMOL). Shulk may have defeated three memers in a row, but two brave men died today.
> 
> ...Or did they?


	14. He Fought For His Friends (Part 1.5)

_"I... I never got to tell you... I- I..."_

_A single sparkly tear fell from Marth's face, and dripped onto Ike's chest._

_"...I love you."_

_For a moment, there was silence. Then a dim light. Marth didn't see it at first, but it was emanating from Ike's chest. The light grew brighter and brighter, spreading from Ike's chest up to his head and down to the tips of his toes, and grew so bright it lit all four corners of the room. Then, all of a sudden, the light vanished._

_Marth watched his friend's face intently, hoping for some sort of sign. That tear couldn't have lit up the room like Tangled unless something happened. But the body didn't move._

_Then his eyes fluttered open._

_"...Did you... say something?" Ike mumbled. "Didn't really... catch it the first time..."_

_"I love you, Ike. I love you."_

_"...And I love you as well. Ah- um... No homo..." Ike looked away, feeling a little embarrassed._

_"Now kiss!" some random crowd extra said._

_Marth cupped his hands around Ike's face._ _"May I?"_

_Ike nodded._

_And then they kissed._

Ike may have lost the power of friendship, but Marth gave him the power of _love._

...Sorry, I couldn't resist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On Fanfiction-dot-net, this is actually part of the end notes of Chapter 13. But I couldn't put it into the end notes here on AO3 the way I would've liked (no italics?), so I split it into its own mini-chapter. So yeah.


	15. Ow, the Edge (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadow the Hedgehog finds Shulk and challenges him to a match! Could it possibly be... he's trying to avenge his rival who he secretly cares for?!

It was a nice day outside. The sun was out, the flowers were in bloom, and the birds were screaming bloody murder as always. Shulk was just going on a peaceful, leisurely walk through the park, thinking about his life. He soon realized that when he challenged Ike, he never took Marth's meme with him. So he was going to have to fight him, too!

"Stop right there, scum!"

Shulk winced at those sharp words. He could feel the edge so strong, he swore it was actually cutting into his skin. He turned around, and the one he saw was exactly who he expected.

"If it isn't ShadOW the EDGE-hog."

Shadow the Hedgehog was standing before him, in all his emo glory.

"It seems you know me already."

"I know a memelord when I see one. What do you want, anyway?"

Shadow pulled the DAMN fourth Chaos Emerald out from behind his back.

"CHAOS… CONTROL!" he shouted.

In a flash of light, Shulk and Shadow disappeared from the park… and reappeared in Final Destination. The stage was strangely warped, though. The stage was black and red, and the background, once filled with colorful nebulae, was now an empty void.

Shadow held his hand up in the air, and an edgy black sword materialized in his hand. It was like Ryuko Matoi's Scissor Blade, except edgy and black.

"This Sword of Ow Edge is made of pure concentrated edge. In fact, it's so edgy it can even cut through physical objects!" He tested it on himself, slightly slitting his wrist. "Wow, it actually works…!"

"Come on, tell me what you want already!" Shulk demanded.

"My name is Shadow the Hedgehog. You killed my faker." He pointed the sword straight at Shulk. "Prepare to _die!"_

"Crawling in My Skin" by Linkin Park began to fade in in the background.

"Oh, I see. You're mad I killed Sonic." Shulk took out his Monado, ready to fight. "But I didn't kill your friend, you see. _He's_ the one who decided to fly into the sunset!"

"He's not my f-friend or anything! Just die already!"

Shadow drew a pentagram in the ground with his sword, and he began to chant, "EM FO LLA MA I! EM FO LLA MA I!" The pentagram glowed red, and then from the ground emerged Dante from Devil May Cry. And Knuckles! Their eyes were black and lifeless.

He pointed the Sword of Ow Edge at Shulk and said to the two, "You see the British guy over there? I want you to kill him."

"...hurgh..."

"...augh..."

The zombie-like summons lurched toward Shulk, rocking back and forth and gurgling. When they got too close, Shulk charged a down smash, spun around, and knocked them off the stage. Like the Mii Fighters in Multi-Man Smash, they tried to jump back to the platform, but when they missed, they accepted their fates and welcomed death's cold dark embrace.

The summons were pretty weak, but Shulk was still impressed- and now he knew to absolutely not let his guard down with this guy. A minor memelord wouldn't be able to summon a physical being, not even a copy of a lesser meme.

"That all you got?" Shulk said, putting on a brave face. Shadow cracked his knuckles, and a tiny smirk appeared on his face.

"I have to do everything myself, don't I?" he said, and then he charged straight at Shulk, dragging his sword on the ground behind him. He was going so fast that he was leaving a trail of sparks behind.

 _A straight-up charge attack?_ Shulk thought. _Seriously, that never works! How stupid can he be?_ "Counter!" he shouted, easily anticipating the attack.

But the attack never came. Just as his counter stance ended-

"Pathetic," he heard from behind him, and then he was knocked off the stage. As he flipped away, he saw Shadow casually tossing a green emerald.

_Did he just use a Back Slash on me? Is he trying to beat me at my own game?!_

Shulk, now furious, grabbed onto the ledge, then jumped back on stage. Shadow was approaching him slowly, still dragging his sword behind.

"What's wrong, Shulk?" he said. "I thought you would be stronger than this. But I guess even the power of memes can't improve a _talentless little boy like you."_

Shadow's smirk spread into a sadistic grin.

"SHUT UP!" Shulk roared.

He activated his Speed Art, hoping to outspeed Shadow, and charged at him swinging.

"Too easy!" Shadow said, and warped just out of the way of the Monado.

"Take this! HAH!" Shulk used a side smash.

"You're telegraphing your moves!"

Shulk spun around to the source of the voice. Again, Shadow was tossing the green Chaos Emerald and grinning.

"Fights are supposed to be fun, but you could hardly call this entertaining. In fact-" he disappeared in a flash of green light- "there's too much of a difference in our power levels to even call this a fight."

He swung down with the Sword of Ow Edge, stopping just short of Shulk's neck.

"Counter!"

"Fell for it!"

Shadow didn't even bother to teleport, he just waited until Shulk's counter animation was over and then knocked him upside the head. He flew backwards, sliding on the floor.

 _Come on, Shulk! Focus!_ said the voice in Shulk's head. _You can't keep fighting like this, or else you'll end up like Ike._

 _DO IT!_ Shulk's mental Shia LaBeouf shouted. _Just DO IT! Nothing is impossible._

_…You're right. You guys may just be figments of my imagination and I'm going insane, but thanks._

"What, too tired to get back up? Already?" Shadow jeered. He approached Shulk again, lofting his sword over his shoulder.

Shulk took a deep breath, in and out.

 _Focus, Shulk,_ he thought. _He may be strong, but he's not invincible. His insults don't mean anything._

Like a shonen manga protagonist getting his second wind, Shulk pulled himself back up to his feet and wiped the dirt off his cheek. "Crawling in my Skin" faded to silence…

"Time to tip the scales."

"…You!"

…to be replaced with "Engage the Enemy" from Xenoblade Chronicles.

Shulk got into a charge stance yet again, but this time he didn't charge blindly. He knew Shadow's tricks now.

"Don't just stand there, weakling. Come at me!" Shadow said. He got into a battle stance, too.

"You asked for it!" Shulk charged forward just as Shadow had done before.

"Too easy. Chaos Control!"

_He teleports behind me when he wants to counterattack. My timing has to be just right…!_

"Disappear!" Shadow shouted, about to throw his sword like a spear.

"A vision… I see it!"

Shulk turned around and slashed at Shadow, sending him flying backwards. The Chaos Emerald flew out of his hand and off the stage, and Shadow ran to the ledge to watch it fall.

"You little shit, I spent eleven _years_ trying to find that emerald! You're seriously going to make me look for that DAMN emerald again?!"

"Back Slash!" _WHAM!_

Shadow was launched off the stage. He managed to get back to the ledge, but the Sword of Ow Edge slipped out of his hand and fell into the void too.

"Anything to keep the joke going," Shulk said. "You know how memes are, they never truly die."

"Damn you," Shadow retorted. He jumped back onto the stage and gave Shulk his worst death glare, but the boy just kicked him back to the ground.

"I thought you would be stronger than this. But it looks like you were showing off your power to hide that you're actually a glass cannon and your Defense stat sucks." Shulk looked up into the black void and shrugged. "I guess not even a Chaos Emerald and a big sword can't do anything for a weakling like you."

"Y-you traitor! I know what you're planning to do!" Shadow snarled. But Shulk wasn't intimidated. Shadow backed away from Shulk, edging closer and closer to the ledge again.

"Oh, really?"

"You defeated Robin and Reflet and took their meme. And soon enough you're going to take over all the memes in the world and become the ultimate overlord. Aren't you?"

"It's _Supreme Meme Overlord._ Get it right. You'll regret it when you're nothing but a servant to me and my memes."

Shadow looked behind him, and saw nothing but the ledge and the void. He sighed and hung his head.

"Giving up now? Good. Now be a good hedgehog and hand over the meme."

"...I think you should know by now that I'm not a good hedgehog. After all, taking candy from a baby is fine by me." Shadow used all his remaining strength to pull himself to his knees. He clasped his shaking hands together and began to mutter, "Maria... please answer my prayer. This is a foe I cannot beat alone. I need your help..."

Shulk internally groaned. This dumb edge-hog wouldn't stay down. And only the protagonist was supposed to get the second wind!

"Give up already. She can't hear you," he said.

"You don't know my backstory!" Shadow snarled. With one last burst of strength, he pulled his trembling body back to its feet. "You wouldn't understand, anyway. Maria is my only guiding light. She is the only hope I have in this screwed-up world."

He stumbled forward a few feet.

"Maria never gave up on me before, and I know she'd never give up on me now!"

"From what I've heard, Maria gave up on you a long time ago. She's already dead!"

Shulk raised his sword, ready to cut down the edgelord one last time. But just before Shulk could finish him, a beam of light cut through the void and shone down on the space in between him and Shulk.

A single teal feather floated to the ground.

"Wait, she actually heard you?!"

A familiar dark angel alighted in front of Shadow. He crossed his arms.

"You called?"

"A... A dark guardian angel! Thank you, Maria!"

"Great. It's Emo McEdgelord."

Dark Pit took his laurel off like it was a top hat and did a little bow. "Thank you for calling me by my proper name. Now let's fight already!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have played Xenoblade Chronicles (but I haven't finished! No spoilers, please!) so I know that Shulk is wildly out of character. I did do a disclaimer about all the OOC characters in his game, but let me say… in his game, Shulk had a goal, and once he was set on it, he couldn't be shaken from it. It's kinda like that. Also, I'll be honest and say that he has to be a confrontational jerk to advance the plot.

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't want to include this in my other story "Smash Shenanigans" because I'm planning on having Shulk conquer each memelord one chapter at a time, which would end up taking, I don't know, anywhere from 7-10 chapters, and that's kinda long. Shulk's first target: Ridley...


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